phantom pain
THE “WISDOM” OF NORA
A few days ago I had to wake Nora up for a morning appointment. I know I won’t feel this way when I have to drag her teenage ass out of bed at noon, but right now the memories of babyhood are fresh enough that it deeply pains me to wake a sleeping child. But I did, with (welcomed) back scratches and (barely tolerated) head kisses, and she yawned and stretched her lovely limbs and mumbled something about Minecraft.
Me [teasing/complaining]: Oh Nora. Is Minecraft really the first thing you think of each morning?
Nora: No…first I think about peeing. Then I think about how I love you.
Okay, that’s very sweet except that I took second place to peeing. But I understand, since we are talking about first-thing-in-the-morning pee.
That evening we overheard someone on television say that she had to get her body “beach ready.”
Nora: What does that mean?
Me [playing dumb because FUCK THE MACHINE]: I don’t know.
Nora: You get “beach ready” by putting on a swimsuit. And sunscreen, if your mom makes you.
NOT ACTUALLY WISDOM AT ALL
If I didn’t like Yogi Tea’s “Green Tea Energy” flavor so much, I would boycott the entire brand simply because of the inspirational baloney they put on each bag’s tag. Today I had one that read, “Empty yourself and let the universe fill you.”
Is that some sort of spiritual sex thing? It sounds like a Deepak Chopra/James Deen mashup. You gonna fill me up with your hot sticky star-stuff, universe?
KITCHEN “NEWS”
Almost done! And I never want to go to the tile store ever again in my life! After eight million samples of tile and an entire gorgeous summer afternoon wasted, hemming and hawing and holding things up to my walls and peering at flecks in the countertop and just generally being privileged homeowning dipshits, we actually ended up finding the perfect tile at Lowe’s. The catch here is that the perfect tile is actually intended as a trim piece, not a main backsplash (another word that should mean something sexual but doesn’t) section, so Lowe’s did not have enough of it. But a Lowe’s in Youngstown, Ohio, did, and now it is all on its way to us so more sweaty guys with big clompy boots can stick it up on the kitchen walls hallelujah THE END. I will post “after” pictures when it is truly THE END, which may not be for a while as we are such special snowflakes that we also special-ordered window treatments that will take three special weeks to arrive.
(Kitchen is gorgeous and I do not want to sound displeased or ungrateful, but it’s just a long-ass process and I will be happy to not have it in my brain anymore. I want to stroll into the kitchen and get some wine and a snack, not shove aside buckets of grout and wonder where my cutting boards could possibly be.)
For a while there was no water in the kitchen and thus no icemaker, and I love ice so I was buying bags of it at the gas station. One of the bags was this brand, which claims to be “healthier than homemade.” Are you dissing my water quality, Home City Ice? And why did you miss an awesome opportunity to name yourselves “Home Slice Ice”? My bag was also disappointingly head-free. Oh well.
MY DUMB BODY
Yet more consultations with yet more doctors and it has been decided that the offending portion of my intestine shall simply be cut out, on September 5. I was initially skeptical because of course, what else is a surgeon going to say (surgeons gotta surg), but everyone seems to agree. The dude is very tall, which makes me concerned that my operating table will be way up in the air for his comfort. Don’t drop me!
Tall surgeon is confident that the surgery can be done laparoscopically, and that I’ll have plenty of intestine left even if it turns out there are more offending portions than were initially seen. Y’all got lots of intestines, did you know that? Anywhere from 15 to 30 feet, depending on your anatomy.*
Whenever I think about the length of human intestines, I think about this one time when I was (allegedly) sitting around pulling bongs with some friends, and intestines came up, and this one guy said that if you stretched out all your intestines it would cover “almost a mile,” and all the other stoners were like “yeah, cool.”
When he said that I felt instantly un-stoned, it was like a rubber band snapping back into place, and I said, “No. You do not have over FIVE THOUSAND FEET of intestines.” He insisted that he had read that “in a medical textbook, dude” and I insisted that NO, THERE IS NOT A FREAKING MILE OF INTESTINAL TUBING INSIDE YOU, HOW WOULD IT EVEN FIT, and since there was no readily available internet back then we all sort of agreed to let it go. It was kind of a buzzkill though, to hear such dumb intestinal misinformation.
*Speaking of anatomy, and mine in particular: the report from my enteroscopy said that my anatomy was “difficult,” which seems so rude and victim-blame-y, and that my colon was “long and tortuous.” O the tortured colon! There is a Morrissey CD constantly playing in my guts, and volumes of Rimbaud strewn everywhere, and a single rose in a wax-covered wine bottle.
So anyway, starting September 5 I will be in hospital for a time, with internet and all that good stuff, so save your funny tweets and links and blog posts and hook a sick bitch up. Thanks.
ODDS AND ENDS
The people with cabbages for heads! “Legend has it that people with heads they did not like…” wait, what?
I recently discovered Big L, and soon after discovered that he is dead. Damn it! I remember this happening to an un-literary friend of mine, who read some Raymond Carver stories and was all like oh man this guy is amazing, I can’t wait to read more, has he ever written a novel? This is probably the only time Raymond Carver has been in the same paragraph as Big L. I guess they could have met, if 14-year-old Big L had happened to cross paths with an dying-from-lung cancer Raymond Carver, but considering opposite sides of the country and very different lifestyles I sort of doubt it.
This is a Wikipedia page about a cryptid that eats you, goes to sleep, and then barfs you up again, and you end up being a little shorter than before. Has this happened to anyone you know? Anyone in your life looking kind of short and red these days? Check carefully.
—mimi smartypants is concerned for your welfare.