NEW YORK IS IN AMERICA
WITH MY NAKED EYE
Today I spent all day with academic dermatologists at a meeting downtown. I left my house before sunrise to walk down to the train, feeling fly in my new, very-expensive-in-theory-but-not-to-me (thanks Poshmark!) sweater. It is a crazy soft turtleneck* made of YAK HAIR and I have never worn yak before! I did have a minute of thinking, “hmmm, I never even tried this on before today, it would be terrible if I were allergic to yak hair and found out during a six-hour meeting.” But if the yak hair did give me a terrible rash at least I would be sitting with fifty dermatologists, and maybe some of them have cutting-edge creams in their carry-ons. (The denouement: no issues! Me and yak hair sweaters are best friends.)
*I am friends with a fair number of people who despise turtlenecks, citing the Seinfeld quote about “a really weak person trying to strangle you”** or whatever it is. I have other sensory issues but a turtleneck is not one of them! I love to have my neck all snuggly and contained! Neck containment today brought to you by: yak hair! Thank you yaks!
**Does anyone else mentally practice how to survive, if someone (weak or otherwise) were to suddenly try to kill you? I do it every time I am in a situation where a person is servicing my body (NO, NOT LIKE THAT). If the person has a ready weapon, like dentists and hairdressers do, I’m sorry to say but they could probably get the jump and injure me quite severely before I would be able to deploy my evasive maneuvers. While I was getting a facial recently (NO, NOT LIKE THAT), I thought that if she tried to strangle me while I was on the table I could do some sort of twist-and-flip judo move to subdue her, and then run for the door and escape. Escape with glowing skin, depending on how far the esthetician had gotten before she turned homicidal.
I am prone to these action-movie fantasies but they have only gotten more frequent this calendar year as I have increased my consumption of (a) horror movies and (b) marijuana. I have always liked both of these things but I tend not to combine them (I like the media I consume on weed to be either text-based or kind of sweet and gentle—think Bob’s Burgers rather than Hereditary).*** Also I used to watch horror and forget about it—it never scared me after the fact. Sometimes true crime stuff would freak me out in an “I’m in the house alone” kind of way, but that was about it.
***A notable exception was when I took an edible but instead of snoozing decided to watch Beau Is Afraid. On an airplane. I knew nothing about the film going in and it was an interesting flight.
Lately, though, when high, I think about spooky stuff and I like it! It is thrilling! Like WHAT IF I were in a room and the door slowly creakily closed behind me or the wall started bulging like something was coming through it or I heard mysterious whispers! It would be terrifying! But it’s also kind of cool and fun to think about! So I guess it took a weed habit for me to finally understand and enjoy the concept of “good kind of scared,” which true horror fans have always known.
MORE ABOUT MOVIES
I have a friend who has some serious pop-culture blind spots and it often leads to hilarity for me.
Friend Who Needs Gaps Filled Sometimes: Wait, what does “red pill” mean?
Me: Ugh, it has come to mean a whole lot of stupid shit, but it is originally a reference to The Matrix…
FWNGFS: I never saw The Matrix. (pause) Wait, is that the guy with the coat?
That fucking cracked me up. The Matrix, as a film or cultural phenomenon, does not by any means loom large in my consciousness but I do know a little more about it than “there was a guy in a coat.” On the other hand, I knew what she meant so maybe that’s not a bad signifier!
The day after we had this conversation I saw a clickbait headline that said, “Remember Keanu Reeves? Here’s What He’s Doing Now” or some shit like that. It was annoying to even see this because yeah I “remember” Keanu Reeves…he’s not gone? He hasn’t been gone? He had a movie come out this year? Besides, he’s the guy in the coat!
—mimi smartypants is living like a lover with a radar phone.