a little bumpy at first
SEMICOLON JAMBOREE
Do not look at me! I am hiding. There was a meeting with bigwigs, blah blah, and lunch; I was invited for the lunch but am not known to the bigwigs and not really needed for the blah blah; so in a horrific breach of etiquette I crept in like a ghost and took a salad and LEFT. And now there is at least an hour before the next blah blah for which I actually am required. What do we do with an hour? No, don’t say “masturbate,” this is a professional setting and I need to look busy. THANK YOU GOOGLE DOCS, THANK YOU WORDPRESS, THANK YOU UNCEASING DRIVE TO DOCUMENT MY DUMB THOUGHTS AND OCCASIONALLY PUT THEM ONLINE. You are all my favorites.
This may be a goofier diary entry than usual because, as Fitbit so helpfully tells me, the sleep situation is a garbage fire. From a low of 4 to a “high” of 6 hours per night, and not straight through, no, nothing like that. My longest no-wake-up stretch averages 86 minutes. OH WOE, science tells us that 90 minutes is a complete sleep cycle. So close but no sleep trophy for me. No trophy, no emotional stability, no coping skills.
Most of the not sleeping is the fault of my brain, but some of the blame belongs to the cats. Lola is not a factor because she sleeps with the kid and the kid only. Rocko usually sleeps between me and LT, grumpily and lumpily but surprisingly peacefully, from about 2 am on. (I don’t know where in the house Rocko is before that.) Murphy, who is very social and funny and nice but sometimes likes to sleep in private, does his Murph thing in one of his favorite Murfatoriums (basement couch, linen-closet shelf), until he gets bored at 3 am and decides to join Rocko on our bed, usually bringing a jingly toy along. Cue the wrestling, and Rocko screaming like a little bitch, and cat-toy jingling, and me kicking both their asses out and then trying to sleep through Murphy scratching at the door and Rocko making terrible clunking noises by leaping at the doorknob. But strangely, no more fights, because now that they’ve both been ejected from the club I guess they are best friends? I don’t know. I normally am very cautious about analogies between pet ownership and parenthood, so that was not me googling “how to sleep train my cats” the other day, no sir.
Perhaps my sleep problems are a function of my advanced age. Recently the kid and I ran a local 5K together. When I went to pick up our packets, the volunteer said, “Did you know they have your age listed as 100?”
It would have been fun to play it off like, “Yes, your point is?” and let everyone think my skin looked amazing. But I wasn’t quick on the draw like that (see above re: lack of sleep) and so just said, “Oh.”
The volunteer then said a lot of things about how my age division couldn’t be changed now, but if I emailed a certain official after the race with my confirmation number I could have the records corrected. I stopped listening because who cares? It’s a small 5K to raise money for the food pantry, not a Boston-Marathon-qualifying event. Besides, major bonus: I SWEPT the “female, 85 and older” division. No one else came close. Fastest centenarian in Chicago: me.
RECOMMENDED
TV: Killing Eve (series on BBC America); The Zoo (reality show about the Bronx Zoo)
Books: Other Minds: The Octopus, The Sea, and The Deep Origins of Consciousness (what it says on the tin); Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln’s Killer (ditto); Autonomous (sci-fi); The Thousandth Floor (YA sci-fi); The Grim Sleeper (true crime); The Ornatrix (weird but compelling novel, takes place in 16th-century Italy)
Music: Soccer Mommy (I probably listen to “Your Dog” at least once a day and I’m not in an abusive relationship or anything; it’s just something about DAT BASS); Manhattan Love Suicides (overlooked shoegaze-y indie rock from about 10 years ago); Snail Mail; the snotty new single from FIDLAR (“Alcohol”); Anna Burch.
This whole nonsense enchilada was typed in between blah blah sessions! It’s easy when you type fast and are under no obligation to an audience. Also, typing fast in an empty conference room makes people think you are doing very important, time-sensitive work and they do not interrupt you with bullshit. In fact the only interruption I got was from LT, who decided to send me an unsolicited picture of his morning wood.
Come watch his wood burn in our yard this summer!
—mimi smartypants fell asleep near the fire pit.