kaleidoscope vision pass out in your kitchen
THINGS TO DO
- Move very strangely when you are all alone. Big Martha Graham gestures? Hunch-and-sneak like a little gremlin? Broken robot? The classic “Oh No I Have No Knees”? Completely up to you.
- Check your reusable straws before you slurp! Mine had a small piece of HARICOT VERT (I take every opportunity to say this, even when “green bean” would do) inside and thus my inaugural slurp was coldbrew greenbean. It was unpleasant and the combo will not be sold at cafes anytime soon.
- Do not watch the A24 film called “Men,” because it will start off okay and then just get dumber and dumber, and also the main character will suddenly start wearing this strange pink Jane-Austen-esque nap dress when that was nowhere close to her earlier style. This movie is very mixed up in its motives and message, I don’t need unclear costuming signals to add to the muddle.
- Do watch (if you can find it) an underseen but not half-bad movie from 1948 called The Velvet Touch. It has Rosalind Russell wearing a whole lot of excellent hats, a love-at-first-sight “dreamboat” with possibly the worst teeth ever seen in a leading man, and Sydney Greenstreet dryly referring to his “mountainous bulk.” Speaking of Sydney Greenstreet, what actor will ever again have an early bio like this one from Wikipedia? “He left home at the age of 18 to make his fortune as a Ceylon tea planter, but drought forced him out of business. He began managing a brewery and, to escape boredom, took acting lessons.” I think that sort of Hollywood origin story has probably run its course.
- Go to an all-ages Metro show; enjoy all the bands except the last one, because what in the name of Adult Contemporary/vaguely Christian-rock was that? They felt like a last-minute addition to the bill and the change in vibes was palpable. From the balcony I could watch all the alternakids leave and a whole lot of unironic baseball caps and hockey jerseys arrive. I could also get invested in one fan in particular, who seemingly knew all the lyrics and shouted “LET’S GOOOOOO!” between songs. Eventually I realized he was (metaphorically) speaking to me, and I left! (With my friend, also my ride, who luckily was in complete agreement with me about the band’s merits.)
- Group things together in your mind! For instance, I realized how many horse-related bands I like: Sparklehorse, Feeble Little Horse, An Horse, Horsebeach. Also I like a band called Duster and a band called Luster, but am less of a fan of a band called Guster. Nonetheless, they should all three go on tour together because that would be funny.
- Contemplate what circumstances (brain worms? hubris? or…genius?) compelled these journal editors to allow this title, “When to Ask for an MRI of the Scrotum.” Oh honey. Just ask! We’re not mind readers. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Seize the day! Seize that scrotum! Stick it in a tube! On the other hand, think about the timing of your ask. Maybe not when she first gets home after a hard day at work.
- (Also, imagine the honor of being named part of the Scrotal and Penile Imaging Working Group.)
—mimi smartypants saw the lizard on the red brick wall.