topped with a drum and an onion above it
SHE’S LUMP
I have to go to a podiatrist (my first time ever) because I have a weird foot lump. It is not bothering me but it is there, lumpy, and bigger since the first time I noticed it. Dr Google said IT’S POSSIBLY CANCER (everything is possibly cancer) and my insurance likes everything to start with a regular doctor so I went to a regular doctor and she said she did not THINK it was cancer (leaving herself just enough wiggle room for me to feel mildly upset about it late at night when I am tired) but that I should see a podiatrist.
Have I mentioned that I do not like anyone touching my feet? This guy, he is going to touch my feet. I wish they could put me under general anesthesia for this but it sounds like no.
My feet are also not at their most beautiful (the lump, obviously, but also the general winter condition) but the minute that self-critical thought crossed my mind I remembered this guy sees THE WORST FEET all day long. Literal rotting feet, crazy twisted feet, yellow crusty feet. My calluses and inexpertly trimmed toenails will be nothing to him.
Also maybe one should NOT show up to the podiatrist with lovely feet? Because: is there not a small chance that the podiatrist is Into Feet? A small minority must be. A much larger percentage probably never intended to become podiatrists at all. I would think there are significant numbers of podiatrists with “tried for ortho, realized I hated medical school” origin stories, right? If you’re a podiatrist, send me an email with why you are.
Update! My foot lump is just a weird lump of fat, and can stay there as long as it does not cause me any trouble. I said, “So it’s like what beluga whales have on their heads?” and the podiatrist looked somewhat frightened and said, “Uh, um, huh. Yes?”
OWNED
Crossing the street, a big SUV is straddling the crosswalk. As I walk behind it, I lightly, un-aggressively thump the car with my mittened hand. It is my “hey I’m walkin’ here” tap.
Guy rolls down his window and screams: HEY! DON’T TOUCH MY CAR!
Me: Don’t stop in the crosswalk!
Guy [pulling away as the light turns green]: Fucking LIBERAL!
Sir I might suggest that it is actually somewhat conservative of me to ask you to follow the law of the land.
Speaking of driving, I was recently driving somewhere (city driving, not expressway) and to be honest I was a little bit high. I know we are not supposed to do that and it is illegal but I was not in bad shape at all, just the tail end of an edible giving me nice feelings. I got very into being alert for danger (not in an anxious way) and following the rules of the road, which I guess is the opposite of the usual “free your mind, man” marijuana philosophy but it felt great! It felt cozy and nice to operate within the parameters! Long live law and order! Also driving in general felt very good. All the things that are “bad” about driving, or at least the things about driving that are demonized by certain snooty people (the inefficiency, the “alone in a little climate-controlled box”) are also the very things that are great about driving (alone in my climate-controlled box! Doing what I want and stopping when I want! Music through speakers! A nice big window for a horizon view that I don’t have to share with anyone else!) Honestly I do want more and better public transit everywhere in the world but there is no need to lie; cars are very comfortable and convenient.
THINGS TO IMPROVE YOUR DAY WEEK MONTH YEAR LIFE
I reach for this thing all the time. My life partner grinds his coffee rather enthusiastically and there is often a mess that I don’t want to touch. Squeegee side for wet mess, brush side for dry mess, unobtrusive profile with your other sink tools: recommended.
Here Goes Nothing by Steve Toltz. Great book. Also the source of this amazing Frederico Garcia Lorca quote, used as an epigraph at the beginning. I tracked it down and it is from some talk he gave about lullabies.
“We must creep into a very tiny space. If we can, we must creep into an orange. You and I! Or even better, a grape!”
Singing-bowl sound baths where they almost never “strike” the bowls because I don’t like that sound but I do like a nice ethereal drone. Try the “Sleeping Vibrations” channel on YouTube.
Severance (the television) show. I had decided I Have Quite Enough Streaming Services, Thank You but then I got Apple TV+ just to watch this and I’m glad I did. Binged the whole season and I think about it a lot! At random times!
My perfect comfortable wool house shoes (I got them much cheaper than at this link, which brings me even more joy). I don’t even care that they look a little bit elfin, and you know I hate elves.
For all-alone car singing: the song “Get It On” by Grinderman or “Happy Phantom” by Tori Amos. Both make me think, hooray! Life is meaningless but not worthless!
—mimi smartypants is a tiny particle in a hostile void.