see the light
I HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED (A RANT)
Are you allowed to be a complete novice these days? Does everyone who wants to learn something go to YouTube and learn it? I cannot learn a damn thing from YouTube, which is why I signed up for a GODDAMNED CLASS on learning how to embroider things. It was just for hobby reasons, empty-nest reasons; visions of me calmly working on some cute embroidery kit in the winter evenings.
The class description mentioned “first time,” “no experience required,” etc. It was only scheduled to meet four times, which I thought was perfect. Even if I don’t like it I can certainly go four times, and I will learn how to thread a needle and some of the different stitches and maybe leave with a hilariously inept sampler.
Fast-forward to the first class meeting!
We went around the room. Introduce yourself, your background with sewing and/or needlecrafts. Ten people in the class. EIGHT of them had extensive sewing experience. Representative quotations: I make my own clothes, I sew tote bags, I do needlepoint and cross-stitch, etc. The only outliers were me, who once sewed a single pillow cover in seventh grade, with a machine, and a guy who had been clearly been brought along by a girlfriend, and who looked like he did not want to be there, who said, “I can sew a button on,” to which the girlfriend piped up with “Kind of!” (Bitch!) (The girlfriend was another one who was like, “Oh, I’ve done embroidery before, years ago.” Is that not kind of a bitch move, as a girlfriend? To sign you both up for something that you’re already good at?)
This did not bode well, but I thought well, maybe these people will be bored and that serves them right. Surely we will start at the very beginning and go slowly, as befits a beginner class. No! Assumptions were made! Assumptions about threading needles, tying off, dealing with the embroidery hoop! Even assumptions about the very thing I thought we were here to learn! “So everyone knows seed stitch, right?” Goddamnit! No I don’t!
The “syllabus” for this four-meeting class specified that not only were we not just going to learn and practice the different stitches, we were going to complete several actual projects, all culminating in a freeform, no-pattern, “painting with thread” art project (“bring your ideas next week!”)
I had a similar experience in my first behind-the-wheel driver’s ed class, where some football coach behemoth heaved himself into the passenger seat, lit a cigarette (the times: they were different), and asked us, “Okay, who’s driven a car before?” EVERYONE BUT ME. BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL, AND THAT’S WHY I WAITED UNTIL “DRIVER’S EDUCATION CLASS.”
Unlike driver’s ed, where I was trapped by the school system, this embroidery fiasco will at least give me the chance to deploy what is rapidly becoming some of the wisest life advice I have ever heard:
I stayed until the end but I won’t be back. I will leave some nice, constructive feedback on the failings of the class, once I have simmered down a bit. I know it is stupid but I was a little teary when I got home after class, because I tried this thing SPECIFICALLY FOR KNOW-NOTHINGS but it turns out I was supposed to know something, and let’s just add it to the FAILURE column, yet more evidence that I am not good at anything but blog posts and blowjobs.
(I am back up to my normal medium level of self-esteem now, more or less. There is no need to intervene on me.)
FANCINESS
Also oh yeah, we went to Europe earlier this month. The lay-flat business class seat on the way there was phenomenal and now I am slightly ruined for future Europe flights. Amsterdam is lovely if you like art museums and rainy weather (we had a lot of cozy coffees while trying to stay dry; not really a bad thing). Aix-en-Provence is a cute town with way more lingerie stores than it would seem the population could support, and our friends took us to all the markets (I love looking at food) and we had lengthy restaurant lunches and drove around to other towns to see cool ruined Roman stuff. Plus our rented French penthouse had the cutest semi-private rooftop deck and things got a little wild with two old married people on holiday. So if you see some grainy long-lens voyeur footage on pornhub.fr, please report it and let’s get that taken down. Thanks.
THE MOST FANCINESS
I am a vinegar fan but the most common kind of vinegar (distilled white) is probably my most rarely used for cooking. I do have a large jug of it down in the laundry room for loads of towels and other smelly things, and one day when I actually DID need some white vinegar for a recipe, LT remarked that I could buy another, smaller bottle of vinegar to keep in the condiments cupboard, instead of lugging the jug upstairs or decanting it downstairs or whatnot. The LUXURY, the CONVENIENCE, it honestly had not OCCURRED to me. One dollar twenty-nine later and I feel like a wealthy, organized genius.
—mimi smartypants, good for something.