hush hush eye to eye
LIVE THROUGH THIS
This slow-motion pandemic disaster is such a strange thing to live through, and will be even stranger to describe. Probably even more so for people like me who were less dramatically affected. Nobody is NOT affected: I have a constant background concern about germs and infections, which is not great for someone with a moderate level of health anxiety. My young adult kept up his learning (because he is an exceptional genius), but also socialized with mainly his parents for nearly two straight years, which may be having a direct influence on his ability to loosen up* and settle into pandemic-times college life.** I actually like working from home but every day is more or less the same and very few random things happen, which means we are all getting very small and precise in our observational chitchat, eg: I went for a walk and saw a rabbit. I think I’m getting arthritis in my big toe. The garbage trucks were so late today! Etc.
Today I did leave the house for my every-other-month trek to a Trader Joe’s. On the way out I was busy lifting all three bags out of my cart instead of taking the cart to the car. Because I’m STRONG! A woman walked up and I immediately noticed her t-shirt that said “Someone You Love Has Had An Abortion” and my brain went right on, that’s rad. She was waiting to grab the cart that I was in the process of emptying and I said, “Sorry, just a second; I’m being a tough guy.” Then she said, “You mean you’re being a tough WOMAN.” Can you tell that a total stranger is a TERF-y weirdo from a two-second interaction in a Trader Joe’s parking lot? Of course not. But maybe?
*College has been a rollercoaster. Here is (depending on your feelings about rollercoasters) the un-fun uphill part: the university scheduled a lot of things for orientation week, but did it weirdly (in my opinion)—too much was “drop in” style, which meant you had to hunt around for people to go with. Plus Aaron moved in on the first available move-in day, so not a lot of people were in the dorm, and some freshmen had joined intensive “learning communities” which meant they spent most of each day in hours-long separate orientations. Basically my guy was sort of sad and aimless for most of a week. We texted a lot and I (privately) cried a lot because it all just seemed like what the fuck, what have we done. Sometimes I would get texts about going to dinner with a group and fireworks videos from the football stadium kickoff thing and I’d be like…yay? Maybe this is all good? And then later I would get a request for pictures of the cats and I’d overthink that, like oh no, this smells like homesickness. Right now there is a lot of communication because I am like DO NOT FEEL ABANDONED! WE LOVE YOU! But maybe it’s too much and maybe I am a freakish helicopter OH MY GOD. Do you have that tranquilizer gun? Just sneak up behind me at my desk. Right in the neck, please. Thank you.
Here is the more fun, downhill part: Just about a week later we had a fabulous phone call with tales of doing lots of fun things with lots of people [names were named!] Also the first day of classes went well! Maybe it will be okay after all. We had hastily made plans for a quick visit on Labor Day weekend, because of the aforementioned feelings and because there was a big hint dropped that “some people” are having visitors or going home for those days. And now there is a tiny bit of hedging about that visit, like uh mom how long are you coming for because, ah, I might be busy, so it may turn into a quick trip to bring him some stuff and take him out for a meal instead of a Big Emotional Support thing. This is all good news! But I will still take that tranquilizer dart if you’re offering.
**Also I have to put the “on campus during a pandemic” thing waaaaaaay over there in my brain, behind a lot of dusty packing crates and things. Seriously, I can’t think about it. Vaccines and masking and everyone is doing what they can but obviously there are no guarantees and we are not going to think about it. Nope.
FREE FOR THE MURDERING
Yesterday on my early-morning murderwalk I found a hammer, just right in the middle of the path. I looked around for a corpse with a skull fracture and/or someone yelling “SHIT WHERE’S MY HAMMER” but did not see either type of person. So I took it with me and finished my walking loop carrying a hammer. It took me a bit of time to figure out how best to do so; it didn’t quite work on my belt loop or over my shoulder (Seven Dwarfs-style), and I swung it around for a while but my arm got tired, so I ended up just carrying it casually down at my side by the handle. Which may have looked even more unintentionally menacing. I have a hammer; don’t make me use it.
—mimi smartypants thinks everything looks like a nail.