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MR POSTMAN
I recently signed up to be a penpal for an incarcerated person in solitary confinement. I have occasionally volunteered with groups that send books to incarcerated people because the nightmare of not having anything to read is too much for me to even contemplate. This is a different group but I ran across it and thought why not, if I can sporadically blog I can certainly write a chatty nonspecific letter once a month, and then a person with very little to read will have a letter from me to read. Is that better or worse than very little to read? I do not know.
I have an assigned pen pal and just sent off my first letter to him. It was awkward as shit. What do you say in a first letter to an incarcerated person? All the small talk about my life, about what I like to do for fun, even about the weather, made me super-aware that the person I was writing to cannot exactly relate. I like to travel? Cool, bitch: I am in prison. I like to cook? Hey that sounds great: I eat prison food, all by myself, because I am in solitary confinement, as you know.
I guess all I can do is hope he writes back with some thoughts of his own and I can reply to those. Although that has the potential for awkward too, because some rules of this thing include that you are not really supposed to get into details of crime or appeals (I am not a lawyer), and he has to know that I cannot even begin to help with the central problem of his life, which is being in prison. If I were in prison I think my letters would not say much beyond FUCK SHIT FUCK I AM IN PRISON, LITERALLY. FUCK.
It was fun, however, to pick an alias. Even though the letters go to a PO Box and are forwarded to you (I guess to eliminate any romantic stalker or Cape Fear-type situations), you are supposed to use your real first name but a fake last name. I considered going with a really outlandish and ornate fake last name, like Bathysphere-Rhubarb, but ultimately did not.
INFECTIOUS DISEASE
Someone please spare a thought for the science communicators, because coronavirus is kicking our ass. Science publishing has sped up a lot anyway, but breaking-news science publishing? Forget about it.
As far as whether ordinary people should freak out or not, I honestly have no idea. All I really know is: (1) the dumbest possible people are “in charge”; (2) we can only hope those seriously dumb people are listening to the few smart people who try to say things to them (although that is what PATHETIC NAIVE ME assumed would happen with the Trump administration and LOOK WHERE WE ARE); and (3) I am keeping a small mental collection of overreactions, such as Starbucks not allowing me to use a personal cup because of “sanitation concerns.” I guess I understand that baristas may not want to handle my cup but aren’t they still accepting money and credit cards from people? Anyway, single-use plastic is not my jam so no more Starbucks as long as that nonsense continues. Also, I lurk on a full-of-paranoia mommy message board, for the hilarity, and there are so many coronavirus threads, mostly about stocking up on gluten-free pasta and whether Ashleigh should still go on field trips. I did chuckle out loud at the title of one of those threads: “Coronavirus: Good News Only Please.” So you want the news? But…not really?
Same message board got a lot of mileage about this stupid, stupid, stupid (and year-old) clickbait thing about how much a stay-at-home parent’s “salary” should be. Money doesn’t work like that! Parenting doesn’t work like that! Being an adult doesn’t work like that! When you pay your bills or buy some curtains, you are not an “accountant” or an “interior designer” and you are not paid that salary!
Anyway, I am clearly in an evil, petty mood and just want to be holed up in a bar dunking on everyone with you. I should probably get off the internet, eat some pizza, drink some wine, and enjoy not being in prison.
—mimi smartypants is a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head.