get a new pair of shoes
AND NO, I’M NOT REFERRING TO SOCCER
It is football season! Well, preseason. But that is good enough for me because I love football. I read a football book (which was just okay, not great) and I have been watching televised football games and eating football snacks (well, maybe not traditional football snacks: vegetarian corn dogs and Pinot Noir?) and snickering at football announcers. It is a toss-up as to which ones say the most ridiculous things, because they all say ridiculous things and I love it. My most recent favorite was when Brandon Jacobs was called a “big, elusive man.” Where did he go? Too large to misplace! And yet!
FIVE STAGES OF SO WHAT
I am surprised at all the internet emotion stirred up by a Steve Jobs step-down. I read one Tweet that actually referred to “grief.” Grief? If the retirement of a gazillionaire with a bad liver causes you grief, I am going to submit that you have not experienced much grief in your life. So…congratulations? I guess?
BEST GIG EVER
One thing that must have been really great about being an emperor of the ancient world (besides the money, power, and getting your privates licked by concubines): all the new discoveries. Your explorers go out, come back, and say, “We saw the craziest animal in what will eventually be called Africa, it was all reticulated and had a huge long neck, like seriously crazycakes with the neck.” And you can just say, “I want one. Bring me one of those.” A bunch of middle managers will go away and fret. Oh man. How are they ever going to catch one of those things? And keep it alive on the return sea voyage? And keep it from kicking in the skull of one of the (evil-hearted) crew members? (Although it looks fearsome, the Qilin only punishes the wicked.) Hey, you’re the emperor. Not your problem. You don’t have to worry about the details, you can just sit back and wait for your creature.
WHERE YOU LAY YOUR HEAD
I just read some Real Simple bullshit that said people should be replacing pillows every year. Sponsored by the National Pillow Board, no doubt. Does that not seem ridiculous? Where are all the discarded pillows supposed to go? I think even the most frugal of folks would have trouble buying strangers’ used pillows at the thrift store. (Ick.) It might be fun to get an industrial shredder and have a community Pillow-Shredding Event, and then throw all the fluff at each other. Or is there a secret Pillow Dump somewhere, stacked to the sky with squishy comfort, all sorts of slumbering rats and pigeons tucked in its hollows?
Real Simple, you can pry my several-years-old pillow out of my warm, sleepy fingers. (And then I will wake halfway up and whine at you to give it back.) I have gotten it to a perfect state of lumpiness (there is one lump that fits so nicely under my neck) and I don’t plan to replace it anytime soon.
GOOD FORTUNE
Nora and I were walking somewhere, and witnessing all the usual city sights, including someone walking a dog. In all earnestness, she said to me, “You know what’s good luck? It’s good luck to see a dog pooping. I mean, if you actually see the poop coming out of the dog…that’s good luck.”
Dog owners: next time, don’t stare into space or check your smartphone while your pal does his business. Take a good long look. Get all the luck you can.
—mimi smartypants thinks you could use it.