mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

Archive for June 2002

a feeble show of spontaneity

On 14 June 2002

SPECULATEWhat are they listening to?(a) Italian language tapes.(b) Aphex Twin.(c) Megadeth.(d) Detailed kissing instructions from the photographer.(e) Kraftwerk.(f) A sound-effects album.WHAT AN UTTER NIGHTMAREThis is what would be in my Room 101. I am not kidding. If you tried to force me to sit through something like this, my very mitochondria would wither and implode […]

smile pretty take take the money

On 12 June 2002

LATEX AND PAY PHONES, AND THEN THERE WAS EMPTY SPACEWhat?Why don't you call some pay phones? You can search for one in your own state for true hometown pride. Talk to a possibly friendly local, a crack dealer, a prostitute, or one of the random people who likes to pick up a ringing pay phone […]

your eyes are like hands they grab and grab

On 11 June 2002

The Sun-Times Weather Word (not that I care) for today is SWAMP-LIKE. Please be on the lookout today for alligators, muskrats, carnivorous plants, mysterious creatures, and barefoot toothless people carrying banjos. (Swamp bats? Playing baseball?)People. How long have I been occupying a barstool at the Gold Star Bar? Drinking cheap beer, eating popcorn, ruling the […]

twenty-five garments

On 10 June 2002

I am being invaded by the natural world. That damn natural world is all over the place, messing up my nice climate-controlled bricks-and-mortar synthetic universe. WITNESS:1. This morning I got up at dark o'clock, as usual, due to a combination of The Cat purring really loudly in my ear, my own wonky biorhythms, and some […]

dark deeds on steamy dead-end streets

On 9 June 2002

GOOD REFERRALS IN THE STATS LOG1. lick the jockstrap (You go right ahead.)2. human cocks (oh, HUMAN cocks. Okay then.)3. have a whale of a fuck (isn't this a sweet, encouraging thing to say? When your buddy is heading upstairs with that margarita-saturated miniskirted freak ho, you can call out, “Have a whale of a […]

hardhitting haberdasher

On 8 June 2002

IT'S A BIRD IT'S A PLANE IT'S MIMI SMARTYPANTS MAKING NO SENSE AND GETTING SLAPHAPPY WITH THE LINKSI go through strange media phases that are weirdly similar to falling in severe googly-eyed like. Nothing so long-lasting or true-blue as “fandom,” like my thing for Sleater-Kinney (so so odd that a rock band can make me […]

the dizzy sperm of astronauts in orbit

On 6 June 2002

My “I Am A Superhuman UberFrau And I Don't Need To Sleep” phase has ended, I think, for the time being. Night after night of too little slow-wave sleep came smashing down on me like a stack of plates in the arms of a drunken waiter, who will be fired as soon as he gets […]

rosy-fingered dawn has quit her chemo

On 4 June 2002

THE TWO BEST THINGS I HAVE SAID THUS FAR TODAY1. Starlight is so suburban.2. How can we interest venture capitalists in our Mexican pancake house?WHAT I WISH IT SAID IN MY JOB DESCRIPTIONThe Managing Editor will: Hire, train, and supervise a team of copy editors; review numerous iterations of manuscripts; coordinate the monitoring and tracking […]

I saw you standing by the slurpee machine

On 3 June 2002

THINGS I USED TO BELIEVE THAT TURNED OUT NOT TO BE TRUE1. That sexual intercourse was always performed standing up.2. That you should never peel the outer covering off a golf ball because inside is a poison gas that can seep out and kill your whole family.3. That all human minds were linked in a […]

you got Starsky in my Hutch!

On 2 June 2002

WATCH OUT! IT'S THE THEY PEOPLE!I did not change my name when I got married. A lot of it was pure laziness. I simply couldn't deal with the effort it would take to change over my passport, utility bills, magazine subscriptions, yadda yadda. And I already had a box of like 500 business cards, and […]