ululate lithium
IF THE FOLLOWING HUMAN PRODUCTS AND ENDEAVORS DISAPPEARED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH TOMORROW, I WOULD NOT WEEP BUT RATHER STAND UP AND CHEER (leaving off obvious emo-kid responses like “sexism,” “poverty,” and “genocide”)
1. The song “Stand By Me.” I had to think long and hard to narrow my song list because I hate lots of songs. I think I especially hate this one, though. It is banal and insipid and every homeless motherfucker in America sings it a capella in the subway. Hate. Other songs I could do without: “Johnny B. Good,” “Lay Lady Lay,” and just about everything Elton John ever did.
2. As long as I’m hating on music, here is something else that has to go: Irish dancing. With the creepy puppet legs. And the music that sounds like a not-leaving-the-house meth binge, twirling on and on without actually achieving anything.
3. Littlest Pet Shop. Some of the most deformed shit I have ever seen outside of anime.
4. Speaking of anime. Wait, on second thought no, because I find the Poke-verse kind of amusing.
5. Baby shower games.
6. The rodeo, bullfighting, circuses, Sea World.
7. Any sort of tableside food preparation. Make it in the kitchen, bring it out, and quit dicking around.
8. Monopoly. Worst board game EVER.
9. Tanning beds.
10. Angel food cake.
BETTER THINGS
Well, there are many many better things, but here are a few of them.
This old college-radio favorite about incest. I had completely forgotten about this song.
The alternate title of Wealthy, Whiny, White cracked me up.
This stuff takes less than two minutes to make. And it is healthy and delicious, especially with a tablespoon of balsamic salad dressing. I am going to buy more today! I’m like a vegan zombie! MUST HAVE GRRRAAAIIINS!
One of the most beautiful poems about cows ever (inadvertently) written.
CHILDCARE CONFUSION
Last week our nanny had a family reunion and took vacation. LT’s job is too new for vacation, so I stayed home with Nora on Monday, and brought her to work with me (for a half-day) on Tuesday. If the IT department wonders why I logged in and then played Webkinz on and off for three hours, I will be ready and willing to explain.
Tuesday night the kid departed for Camp Grandma, which is her idea of heaven on earth. Usually when she goes to my parents’ place it is on a weekend, so LT and I call up our childless friends and get serious about cocktails. But midweek? We had to work, of course, so were at a bit of a loss as to how to commemorate the absence of our child. Swear loudly? Eat chips and salsa for dinner? Have sex with the door open? Yes yes and yes, as it turned out.
That weekend we met my parents at a Michigan beach for the handover and a day in the lake. Every time one of us swam with Nora, she would shriek and laugh and ride the waves and, upon reaching the sandbar that marks the end of the swimming area, exclaim, “We survived it!” Well, yeah, I expected to SURVIVE a day at the beach. That kid really lives on the edge.
IT’S ALL (A TERRIBLE) PART OF GROWING UP
So we saw the orthodontist and there is talk of palate expanders. Nora has an “open bite,” crooked everything, a narrow jaw, and too many teeth for her mouth. When you combine bottlefeeding from birth and finger-sucking almost as long (her orphanage report from 3 months of age mentions it), you’re going to get some crazy chompers.
We have another appointment in October to expand the palate, and discuss various types of appliances and so forth. I Googled way too much and now I have a huge list of questions to ask and the orthodontist will think I am a crazy person. I am also experiencing a little bit of panic with regard to OH MY BABY WITH METAL THINGS IN HER SWEET BABY MOUTH, so if anyone has recent and not-too-terrible experiences with palate expansion, I would like to hear them. For reference I only have my decades-old orthodontia experiences, which bordered on the medieval, and I know things have come a long way since then. Orthodontist even suggested that the palate-expander, by allowing permanent teeth to grow in at a better angle, will possibly allow Nora to avoid braces altogether. That sounds like a nutty pipe dream to me, but then again I’m not board-certified.
—mimi smartypants: board-certified in other things.