jackbooted rhythmic clamor
ALL MY EXES
The whole family went to Texas (Austin area) for hiking and a house with a hot tub, and to briefly leave a Chicago that does not want to have spring. I understand, Chicago: change is hard. You’ll get there. My (smart, witty, high-functioning, kind, patient, artistic, gainfully employed, great credit score) adult son somehow forgot to pack any underpants at all so we started off the trip with a trip to Walmart, and one night I saw a rat in the rented house’s yard,* but other than that it was a smooth travel experience.
*I am used to rats being out and about in my alley, occasionally in my garden, but there’s something about vermin when you are wet and close to nude that is a lot worse. That ended the night’s hot tub time for me!
Austin highlights: Balcones Canyonlands Wildlife Refuge (really good uphill walk, really good birds), great-tailed grackles, the bats flying out from under that one bridge, tacos, the towel warmer in the bathroom suite (I may need one for my house now), hearing the many bachelorette parties go WOOOO, the opportunity (not taken by me) to purchase a pink trucker hat with TROPHY WIFE written in rhinestones
BANNED FROM THE END OF THE WORLD
I had a hard time falling asleep the other night because I was thinking about nuclear war, and then I got extra angry and resentful because I had hoped to leave that particular brand of insomnia back in grade school, where it belongs. I was also hearing lots of sirens which didn’t help: had a nuclear strike already happened, at a small distance from me? Was Lakeview destroyed by a somehow-very-limited nuclear blast, and ambulances were speeding toward it at that very moment? I do not need to tell you how unlikely and ridiculous this scenario is, but the awake-in-bed brain is going to do what it is going to do.
My flavor of OCD is more scrupulosity (did I have a bad thought? did I just hit someone with my car and somehow not notice?) than contamination but of course there is a bit of contamination, there always is, and radiation is probably the worst thing to think about for that. Oh do you know this invisible thing in the air and the soil and the water, that kills you, invisibly? So much worse than a viral pandemic, because with that you can at least decide to trust your immune system. With radiation you’re just fucked.
Lying awake fretting about the global political situation is probably partially what led to me getting a warning from Reddit, for “advocating armed revolution.” Yeah. I do not think that is exactly what I was advocating, but it was too close to a call for violence against the government for Reddit, so just call me the Laskarina Bouboulina of Albany Park.
MONEY POWER RESPECT
I am going to become a rapper, and my rap name is Contiguous Bigot. Basically I roast all nations and states that do not have geographic contiguity. Indonesia is 17,000 islands! Come on, that is ridiculous.
MAP LOOK A MESS LIKE IT SLIPPED FROM YOUR HAND
CHUNKS IN THE OCEAN, MAN WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN
TRY AND DRAW IT BITCH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
ENDS UP LOOKING LIKE A SPILL OR A SPLAT
I shall not limit myself to just roasting Indonesia, though. Any island country, archipelago, or atoll-based place will receive the same diss-track treatment. YES, INCLUDING HAWAII. AND THE MARSHALL ISLANDS.
DOTS IN THE OCEAN, BARELY ON THE CHART
WHAT UP MARSHALL ISLANDS, LOOKING LIKE ABSTRACT ART
MAINLAND NONEXISTENT, COHESION IS DEBATABLE
GPS RECALCULATING, HALF YOUR COUNTRY UNLOCATABLE
—mimi smartypants is about to cause an international incident.