ecce enim ex hoc beatam me dicent
There’s a whole part of Infinite Jest* where DFW talks about how annoying it is that the AA slogans, the shit that people say without thinking, or put on keychains—like “One Day At A Time” or “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes,” etc—turned out to be true. Or more importantly: they turned out to be useful. I may slightly want to barf when I hear about “self-care” or “romanticizing the small things” or “finding the light.” I may sigh at the fuzzy simplicity of meditation prompts about thoughts being like clouds in the clear blue sky or leaves that float down a river. I would never outright tell a person who expressed a negative thought to make a list of small good things, mostly because I would want to kick a person who said that to me. Doesn’t mean it won’t help, though! It’s like discovering exercise and not eating crap actually makes you feel better. It’s like me being like I Have A Naturally Fast Heartbeat And Faint A Lot Oh Wait It’s Actually All The Alcohol.
I do think it’s nice to come up with your own slightly weird ways to feel better, though. You don’t have to do a gratitude journal or a Sunday scrubdown of your sink like every dumb YouTube creator, but steal a bit and make it yours, maybe? I have a whole tidying-up and incense-burning routine in the mornings. I pat the car, dishwasher, and washing machine before I start them and say thanks for saving me the labor. When I lie down with the cats and they press up against my side, I imagine myself as a warm golden lump that emits beams of peace and safety. I have my teas alphabetized and drink one kind a day in alphabetical order. Wait, don’t do that one, that has crossed over from “comforting routine” to “your OCD brain is odd” territory. (God I love alphabetizing though. Someone give me a huge list of words to put in alphabetical order, no computers allowed. I would be in heaven.)
*I recently learned the unsettling information that my hardcover of this book is worth a not-insignificant amount of money. I would never sell it, because it is signed (and personalized!) and it’s important to me and I toted around the physical book at a pivotal time in my life, but I was still weirded out to know that (found out by accident). (I am only telling you this, reader, because you are not a criminal or a crack addict.) Weird.
THINGS I LIKE, MUNDANE EVERYDAY LIFE EDITION
- Mr Clean “Clean Freak” countertop and surface spray, lemon zest scent.
- Sea Witch Botanicals stick incense, particularly “White Lodge” for everyday and “Night Nymph” if you’re feeling sexy.
- A coldwave band called Palissade (from Canada).
- Not laughing at, but rather being entranced by, targeted ads for slightly-upscale “Hot Topic Goth But We Grew Up” clothing places (the Disturbias, the Midnights Hours) and then laughing at how badly susceptible I am to their marketing, hats off to you, honestly.
- Seeing the real-world consequences of a thing you did for work, in a good, task-related way. There’s the house I sold, the article I edited, the tree I trimmed, the patient I treated.
- The film Bugonia (give ol’ BB “Todd” the Oscar right the heck now).
- Witch hazel, the “Thayer’s Original” with the old-timey label.
- Carnations.
- Necessaire hand cream and body cream (the one in a jar) (too expensive, yes).
- Being super wrong about an ordinary fact, occasionally.**
**Not to get all Roman Roy “learn the price of an egg and do phone sex with my girlfriend like a normo,” but I often get price-related things wrong. I used to think it was very expensive to copy keys (they’re made of METAL, don’t we need an ARTISAN?). I am often kind of surprised that gas is as cheap as it is (probably because a tank lasts me a long time, no shade if your lifestyle or commuting requirements are different though). And recently I was disabused of the notion that microwaves are cheap. I thought of them as “small appliances,” and had assumed they were in the toaster price range. No! Microwaves cost a fair bit of money!
—mimi smartypants is 93 million miles from the sun.