a stop-motion gorilla and cobra robot attacking each other in front of a mountain range
It would be nice if there were an easy pseudosleep product, an Impossible Sleep or Better Than Sleep or Morningstar Spicy Black Bean Sleep.*. Sometimes a nap is not really what you want. Sometimes you DON’T want to have a whole sleep cycle and maybe mess things up for later, but you DO want to not exist for a while. That would be great if it existed, I thought. And then I was like oh yeah, DRUGS. That’s drugs. Forgot about drugs. (Obviously drugs have some serious drawbacks, though. My product, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sleep, will be perfectly safe.)
*While trying to think of the “government name” of a Morningstar product, I went to the Morningstar website to verify.** At said site are the Morningstar packaging colors and fonts you would expect, and a button that says EXPLORE ALL FOOD. Above that are subcategories of products, and more buttons like EXPLORE BURGERS and EXPLORE BREAKFAST.
It is a frightening, energizing, exhilarating product page. EXPLORE CHIK’N. I adjust my pith helmet. I peer closer and mentally start packing my steamer trunk.
**This diary may be pretentious and boring and nigh-useless, but by god it is FACT-CHECKED.
—mimi smartypants shall embark on a perilous voyage.