big day coming, about a mile away
- Sometimes, because I am very nosy, I like to read “my marriage sucks” content, like on Reddit or weird old-school forums, and other times I just find it depressing. There is the standard amount of misogyny and plain old dumbfuckery on display from the posters, whether male or female (again, whether I find this snort-worthy or sad-making depends on the three M’s: mood, moon, menstrual cycle). A good post recently was from a man ragging on his lower-earning wife for only having her “cosmology” license. I think all cosmologists and cosmetologists should legit switch jobs for a week. Maybe even for a month. Let’s see what happens.
- I hate hot weather and being hot but I find “unexpected heat” intensely pleasurable. Hot tubs. (I just returned from a rented vacation home that had one—it received twice-daily use.) The hot towel at the sushi restaurant, at the skin care specialist (oh you mean the COSMOLOGIST???), or on the plane (if you’re really lucky). Seat warmers in the car. The french-fry lamp at the train platform’s cold-weather shelter.
- The cats were acting up while I was trying to get their food ready (Murphy underfoot, Bug screaming his head off) so I hit them with the “Don’t you swear at me you little shit, don’t you ever raise your voice to me, I am YOUR MOTHER” speech from Hereditary (quietly, because my family was asleep and because I do not want to actually traumatize my cats). They did not seem impressed but then again I am no Toni Collette. (I probably don’t need to see the movie ever again but I sometimes rewatch that scene because it is amazing. And the little wounded flinch from Gabriel Byrne when the camera cuts to him at “your sister is DEAD” is some really great face acting.)
- One time in early high school I applied to work at some big store and I don’t even remember what it was. Best Buy, Target, Wal-Mart, something like that. The screening was this little computer kiosk that asked you all these “moral” questions. Things like what would you do if you saw a fellow employee put half a roll of the warehouse duct tape into his backpack, etc. And because I am an idiot, I sat there like Dostoevsky and pondered the implications of each instance of stealing or timeclock abuse or using the company phone for a personal call, mostly selecting the most nuanced answer from the multiple-choice list, and taking into account who was actually harmed by the small rule-breaking. I did not get the job because duh, very clearly you were supposed to answer in the vein of stealing is BAD, THE WORST and the offending individual should be CRUSHED BY THE HAMMER OF WAL-MART. That experience shifted some kind of Sincerity Bone in me and I never made that kind of mistake again.
- To quote Little Carmine, I feel on the precipice of an enormous crossroads. I feel like Something is going to Happen (and the world being what it is, Something probably will—let’s just hope it is not total civil war and cardboard on our windows and armed neighborhood watches and counting our cans of beans). This Something feels more personal to my life, though. Something a little more specific and relevant than your standard Godel/Escher/Bach/alphabet/chakra system/fractal patterns of the shroom-fueled insights of my past.
- Let’s get real for a second though: at its heart, this “Something is going to Happen” feeling is likely just anxiety. (“Just.” Way to diminish! I am a top-tier diminisher when it comes to feelings.)
- Lately I have been having feelings (all kinds of feelings, not just foreboding ones) for slightly longer before attempting to diminish them, which feels like progress? See, this is an instance where it might be nice to have a therapist, so that therapist could be like “yeah that is totally progress” or more likely “why do you consider that progress, what does progress mean to you, blah blah blah snore.”
- For instance, I am always (always) the person who reaches out to friends and proposes getting together for an event or a hang or whatever. Far fewer invitations are extended to me. I have thought about this off and on and have decided not to be upset or offended by it, because my friends usually seem delighted to hear from me and accept my invitations, we have a good time when we do things, and to sit around and sulk because “it’s their turn” would just lead to a whole bunch of nothing but sulking. We live in a wonderful city! There are wonderful things to do, but sometimes we literally forget to do them! I do not mind playing cruise director.
- That is all very well and good intellectually but here is where the feelings come in. Recently I made vague plans (to go eat a thing) with someone but they said they would confirm, and then the day came and went with no confirmation or restaurant reservations, and I surprised myself by being sort of pissed. It is bad enough that I am doing all the planning, but I will not be IGNORED, Dan! (Dated reference. Also the person was not a Dan.) I did not text, I did not DM, I figured they fucked up, let’s just see if anyone gives one solitary shit about me, mope mope you get the picture.
- The person did text the next day and was apologetic, they had a flaky brain and forgot about it, and I further surprised myself by STILL being kind of pissed! (For the record, I believe the explanation, based on prior knowledge of their flaky brain…I do not think I was deliberately ghosted.) Then a few days later I saw the person at a group event and they wanted to chat and I did not! I still had a pissy feeling inside!
- Feeling these feelings was shocking to me because I think four years ago or so I would have reacted to the whole situation with a shrug. Maybe even three years ago, maybe even two years ago. Does it take multiple years after quitting drinking for your feelings to come back? Scientists do not know. STUDY ME!
—mimi smartypants hit opening time down on Fascination Street.