whenever we close our eyes
I used to take drugs and be interesting. I still take drugs, I’m just no longer interesting. I guess I find myself interesting, since I care about writing down (and sporadically sharing) all the dumb things I think and do, but the list of drugs + situations that sound remotely fun has gotten very, very small and specific. Would I smoke weed around a backyard fire with people who love me very much? Maybe. Would I get high at a cocktail party, a dinner out, a gala event, or before going to a bar or a rock show? Definitely not.
(Now, would I do cocaine in those cocktail/public situations, assuming in this fantasy that it were perfectly safe [it is not] and there would not be any repercussions [there would]? I don’t know. Maybe?)
Semi-recently I took a very small marijuana edible and went to bed once it kicked in. I know. I am a wild, out-of-control party animal. I was in a weird, cozy mood and wanted to spend time with myself. I got under the covers in a semi-fetal position and started feeling so very nice. Here are some of the wholesome-ass things I thought about.
I spontaneously, without effort or Oprah, started to think about how I am really lucky and grateful to have all the good things I have.
But then I had the problem where right after you think something like “grateful to have ___” your brain goes BUT THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO DO NOT.
It made me wonder how people who claim to have a “gratitude practice” avoid this phenomenon. Isn’t it an immediate follow-on thought? Do the gratitude-journal folks just not ever think about the suffering of others? Maybe people who focus a lot on gratitude are kind of self-centered assholes?
I started to think about a yoga teacher who, during savasana, used to say something about feeling “safe inside your body,” implying that you and your body are separate, which seemed like maybe a strange belief for a yoga teacher.
It still resonated though, as although I don’t think I believe in a core “self” I have always been somewhat of a dualist when it comes to mind/body. At times I have imagined the “me” inside my body to be very small, like a cube of a dense metal, that managed my body and was more or less constantly irritated by it. That is a sad thought and I think it more when I’m sad.
When I’m not sad (which I wasn’t at all, curled like a THC-infused shrimp under my blankets), I think of “me” more like the goop inside an egg,* a golden sunny warm goop that expands to almost completely fill the shell (the shell being my body). There’s a division (an air gap, of sorts) but not a very serious one.
*Let’s not get into the yolk/white duality for this metaphor. JUST GOLDEN HAPPY SELF-GOOP.
Then I spent some time feeling like a Thin Mint. Imagining myself about that shape and thickness, with the little shortbread dimples showing through the chocolate coating. Feeling that crispy and beloved.
OTHER THINGS
As a woman of a certain age I am marketed to a lot in the “wellness” space, and the trendy thing now seems to be putting everything in powdered form. Mix up some powder and drink a thing, for your gut, for your sleep, for us to have more of your money. Why the Puritan impulse to choke down a disgusting beverage instead of taking a pill? Pills are great! Oh wow this tastes godawful I must be doing something good for my health. In conclusion: pills. Please.
THINGS I LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD: IDEALLY WHEN ALONE BUT LET’S GET REAL, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE
- “Shoegaze” pronounced as if it were an Italian word. Also “medicine.” And for the opposite, “fettuccine” as an English word.
- Square. Egg. Square. Egg. I give each word lots of different accents and emphases.
- The singing of certain Nirvana songs in a soft baby Muppety voice, particularly “Rape Me” or “Drain You.”
REPORT ME TO THE EFFA BEE EYE
This is a warning to all the politicians introducing legislation that is harmful to trans people. We can and will vote you out. We could also have a snack. (Apologies to vegetarians and vegans. I will make a salad for you and bring it to the barbecue.)
—mimi smartypants, trying to act casual.