future me hates me
THINGS I’VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT, IN UNIMPORTANT YET SPECTACULAR WAYS
You know the “bag of dog poop on fire” prank, which may only exist in ‘80s movies? For some reason I never thought about the fact that the “joke” is that the victim stomps it out and gets a poopy shoe. Maybe that’s because I would never stomp on a flaming thing, personally.. I would probably be like “yikes” and dump some kind of liquid on it, if I even answered the door. More likely I’d think “fuck that,” and keep reading my book until my whole porch was on fire.
The phrase “step up to the plate,” which my whole life I pictured as someone getting ready to eat a huge plate of food. Wearing sweatpants, picking up a fork, thinking “I’m about to make Thanksgiving my bitch, let’s goooooo.” It was high school before I learned it was a baseball thing.
My freshman year of college things LT and were still just “friends,” even though we did a lot of flirting and making out, and I was also messing around with someone else. I spent quite a bit of time with the someone else even though I liked LT the most. At some point LT and I started boning for real, and although nothing was ever said that was pretty much when we started “dating.” Nobody likes to ever say anything specific about relationships at 18 years old or maybe that was just my emotionally stunted friend group.
The someone else was understandably upset about this, and that did not make sense to me at the time—we never said we were together! Free as a bird, me! But come on, how could he not have been upset, we hung out all the time with bonus kissing. I was a clueless dumbass and really kind of rude besides. (I think kids these days, although they may seem really casual, are at least better about speaking up and having the “what are we doing” conversation. It is crazy how “uncool” that was to my generation, instead of the SENSIBLE and POLITE thing to do. O Gen X! How we must atone for our sins.)
Speaking of sex, although I knew what “69” was, I had no idea it was called that because of the shape of the numbers. I guess I just thought it was assigned that number in some Great Big Book Of Sex Acts or something. I am not a visual person.
THING I MAY OR MAY NOT BE WRONG ABOUT
I honestly think that sometimes the boy cats argue over access to me, who’s closer, who’s getting more attention, etc. Is that even possible in cat world?In cat psychology? Maybe I am just being vain.
Also, I have heard that doves mate for life or at least are seriously monogamous, but are they open to other arrangements? Because I swear there is a dove throuple that hangs out in my yard, three doves who all groom and feed each other little seeds.
ADULTING HACKS
Aaron has a full-time paid engineering internship and puts on a polo shirt and drives to an office each weekday. I am here working remotely and trying to be helpful to him by continuously reorganizing/fretting over the piles of going-to-college items, making sure he has the appropriate groceries for breakfast and office packed lunch (lots of salami, hard-boiled eggs, and apples), and low-key teaching some corporate “soft skills.” So far we have talked about:
- Sounding more! Enthusiastic! In an email! Than you actually feel!
- Looking good by offering to do something extra even though there’s almost no chance they will tell you to do it
- The time when he found an error in someone else’s work—we had a whole couch seminar on the right way to point that out (gently! Hesitatingly! Lots of “I might be wrong” even if you know you’re not!)
Parenting is like the only thing that gets both easier and more complicated over time. Sure, no more 24/7 timesuck of a blob of emotions and needs, but now I constantly walk this narrow line of not-hovering vs helpfulness, of letting him make his own mistakes vs intense (but not overbearing!) guidance so that the mistakes won’t be fatal or life-ruining. Exhausting in a different way.
DELTA SCHMELTA
Saw my in-laws for the first time in about 2 years and it was a mixed bag of a day. At one point someone toasted to “the end of COVID” and I was like hmmmm? I mean yeah that sounds great but…hmmmm? Even though I work (ENDLESSLY, IT SEEMS) right at the source of cutting-edge medical information I still don’t know what to think, science doesn’t seem to result in guidance and the guidance doesn’t always seem to be based on science. Plus of course the very topic attracts a bunch of people who just like to yell their opinions at the very tops of their online voices.
I am also kind of tired of the “just wear a mask, it’s no big deal, my 3-year-old does it” crowd. Of course I will if I must, but stop pretending it is easy or comfortable or convenient. Mask-wearing is none of those things. I hate it and I’m going to continue to hate it (again, while doing it, if necessary or required). Shhh.
Anyway. I have been doing some things! A restaurant and a bar and some hanging out with friends, I have two sets of plane tickets for two different fall trips, and I desperately want my kid to have a normal college experience (eg, exhilarating, confusing, consciousness-expanding), so listen up coronavirus: no.
—mimi smartypants meant what she said.