I live on a hillside by the 405
The main pain involved in even attempting to communicate one’s thoughts is well I was going to type it (“it” being the main pain) but let’s let David Foster Wallace say it instead:
What goes on inside is just too fast and huge and all interconnected for words to do more than barely sketch the outlines of at most one tiny little part of it at any given instant.
We try anyway, of course, with typing and with attempting to let our friends and family know us, and I love those moments of finding out that someone thinks like you do. I may like even more the moments of finding out that someone does NOT think like you do, and I’m not talking about political disagreements but just the little things. My son was talking to me after I got into bed (shut up I go to bed early I’m TIRED) and we were talking about ways to get to sleep.
Aaron: It’s…not that hard? You just think nothing.
Me: I think all sorts of things. I have certain stories/scenes I use just for falling asleep.
A: Such as?
Me: Well, one of them is that I’m robbing a bank. I spend some mental time on my outfit, my mask [ed. note: the masks and clothes vary but they are all super-chic, I usually wear some sort of dress with really great boots], my gun. I’m really cool, I bark witty and commanding orders, and I make everyone get down on the floor while the tellers fill my money bag. Sometimes there are close-ups of terrified bank clients face down on a marble floor while I step over/around them in those cool boots.
A: Um. That doesn’t sound restful.
Me: It is though!
A: [backing away slowly] Good night. Uh…sweet dreams. Maybe try visualizing just floating in space or something.
Me: There’s no banks to rob in space! Don’t be ridiculous!
A: [closes my bedroom door]
I really thought everyone had elaborate falling-asleep imaginings.
I HAVE WATCHED SOME OLDER FILMS
A Suitable Girl: This follows three different Indian families and their daughters who are getting married or looking to get married. I liked it but there are lengthy scenes of preparations for traditional Indian weddings and man, my trigger of having stuff smeared or sprinkled on me was in FULL FORCE. Ugh.
Babadook: I liked it but I think it’s probably better if you’re a parent.
Black Swan: Yeah! Incorporating elements of this into my fall-asleep fantasies ASAP.
Jawbreaker: No! This is a terrible film!
Kill List: Really, really, really gory. Normally does not bother me but wow. (Maybe a CLUE was in the TITLE, Smartypants? But it was reviewed as being “psychological” horror, I was not prepared.)
Drugstore Cowboy: I had seen this before but watched it with Aaron, who is sort of taking a tour of the ‘90s, and it sucks! Why did I ever think it was good? Was my teenage lit-nerd brain just overly impressed by the appearance of William S. Burroughs?
Shallow Grave: Rich Scottish twits do some crimes, they are all thoroughly unlikable but kind of…sexy? It is confusing.
I HAVE BOUGHT SOME THINGS
No one has paid me to say any of this. No one pays me to do anything except publish some science articles on time. But I have been doing some online shopping, some (quasi) necessary and some frivolous, and here are some recent winners.
Brooklyn Candle Studio candle in the smells Fern & Moss, Palo Santo, and Cardamom. These are stupid expensive but they burn beautifully. I literally have a “work candle” that I burn when I start the day, because we have to make work-from-home special somehow.
The name-brand Biscoff cookies. I used to sometimes buy the Trader Joe’s knockoffs but the OG ones are better.
This scrubber thing for washing yourself. The texture is scratchier than a shower puff, which I like. SCOUR ME! It’s huge and I recommend getting an adhesive hook for the shower so it can hang dry.
These melatonin + CBD capsules for sleeping. I thought CBD was bogus after some failed experiments (plus I can NOT put straight oil in my mouth, I have tried and it is too gross), but these work great for me and definitely shorten the amount of time I need to play out my pre-sleep bank robbery. I am trying to not take them every single night but, uh, the world is garbage right now and the allure of sleep is strong. Also I had been routinely taking two and now I see that the suggestion is “1 – 2.” Oops.
These soft pants from…Costco? True to size, pockets, wash up nicely. If you get them in black and wear a real sweater you can even pretend like you got dressed. They are a slicker-feeling “athletic” fabric, and not particularly “cozy,” so just be aware in case that’s not your jam.
I have longer hair now than I have had since being a literal child whose mom did the pigtails with the big fat yarn. I am starting to live comfortably with it but there was a learning curve. I have this style of hair tie on my wrist at all times because I’m constantly having to put away the hair for cooking, for eating, for sex, for walking along the river and not being pissed off while the wind whips it into my face. I also am still having trouble not washing my hair every time I take a shower. That sounds stupid because you can just…not? But the lizard brain takes over once I finally talk myself into showering, and I suddenly want water everywhere.
Anyway that was too many words about my hair, thank you very much highly caffeinated cold brew! That will be all! I just wanted to say that this is a good product if you are like me and too dumb to not wash your hair.
BLOGGING IS A BAD HABIT
My kid is nearly done with college apps but struggled a bit with the “personal essay” because, and I quote, “Who can possibly write about themselves that much?” Wow that did not hurt my feelings at all. (Actually, it really didn’t. I’ve been this idiot for a long time!)
—mimi smartypants: EVERYONE GET DOWN, THIS IS A ROBBERY