maneuver on the mic or lose heads like John the Baptist
WHO DID THIS
Honestly I am so sad today. There is no reason for it. Someone reached into my brain and let out all the bathwater and HEY I WAS USING THAT BATHWATER it was where the happy chemicals were stored. Gone now, down the drain along with the soap scum and the remnants of that bath bomb from the Christmas stocking. I am so so so-so, a frog behind glass, an argument going in circles. My mouth is the smallest wavy line and I am wearing the Depression Cardigan (a shapeless olive thing). Brackish, messy, monstrous. I feel like the stuff in the Roomba’s dirt cup.
The following are not precipitating factors but they are contributing in their own small way:
- The cats had another stupid fight last night which makes me CRAZY. Conflict-free for days, even weeks, and then suddenly there is nonsense. EVERYBODY CHILL OUT.
- My “sleep” is a joke. It is hilarious. If a good night’s sleep is a thorough soapy shower with a loofah, my sleep is a lightly moistened washcloth, gingerly applied to maybe one dirty knee. (Where are all these bathing metaphors coming from?) I want someone to forcibly strap me in a car seat and drive me around the highways, humming shoegaze melodies, until I sleep properly.
- As a result I am snappish and grim at work, and I have a new direct report who somehow manages to drop by to ask me questions at all the worst possible times. That is not remotely this person’s fault nor is my terrible mood their problem, but I feel like I am not being as helpful or mentor-y as I should be and then: guilt spiral, etc.
- There is a sense of looming disarray. I make to-do lists. I do not do the things, or I do only a few of them, or I do them and then it turns out the things are not done after all and need to be re-added to the bottom of the list.
The good news is that this is definitely a Mood and not a Condition. I know the difference. Maybe I should just take off this fucking cardigan, make and eat a pan of macaroni and cheese, take a Xanax, burn a PTO day to sleep all day.
Observed: I was eating dinner at a brewery and had an obstructed view of the sign listing all the beers. From my vantage point I could see that one of them had a name ending in “SWIPE” and I sincerely hoped for ASSWIPE (mmm, so hoppy!) but it turned out to be SIDESWIPE. Oh well.
Also observed: a dog that looked like Bjork. Sadly I could not get a photo.
Culture, written, except no thank you: I get a daily email of what ebooks have suddenly gone on sale (the microeconomics of that publishing phenomenon are fascinating, btw: but we don’t have time for that now). Occasionally something on my to-read list pops up on there and I get it for cheap, but it is mostly a roundup of that have a very good reason to be priced at $1.99. Honestly for some of them you’d need to pay me $1.99 to read it. I feel sorry for the person who writes the descriptions—here is a sampling of phrases, all from different books you can unfortunately buy.
- …she encounters two ghosts! [exclamation marks in original]
- a delightfully witty cozy mystery
- a devastated, perilous world…but the greatest danger is within
- a bold woman with a tragic past
- forced to turn renegade to clear his name
- spellbinding whodunit
- a bizarre dognapping
- evil sorcerers, romantic dilemmas, and the challenge of riding her very own dragon
Culture, musical: I am on a concert ticket buying spree; now all someone has to do is supply me with methamphetamine so I have the energy for all these shows. Lithics! Colleen Green and Dressy Bessy! Lights! Adult Mom! Various festivals!* And Sleater-Kinney, of course! I was a little “hmmm” about the single that came out but it has grown on me a bit, and honestly S-K could probably put out a track of free-form didgeridoo** jazz and I would give it a chance. Fangirl 4 Lyfe, sorry/not sorry.
*Neighborhood ones that happen that have like one or two good bands playing. I don’t do the giant festivals because that is way too much outdoor-bathroom action.
**The worst instrument. Petition to rename it the didgeriDON’T. Or to misquote Freckle, “Sometimes things that are indigenous…are worse.”
Culture, musical, soundtrack: Five songs that played while I wrote this diary entry.
- Queen Zee, “Loner”
- Drahla, “Fictional Decision”
- The Octopus Project, “Small Hundred”
- Stars, “Ageless Beauty”
- Enjoy, “Two Extra Pumps of Bliss”
SUNSHINE ME
Co-worker, on the elevator: Wow, the fog this morning! Just a solid wall of gray.
Me: Yeah, it’s like being dead.
C: …
Me [at my floor]: Welp, have a good day!
—mimi smartypants is still the thug that you love to hate.