allergic to your salary
MATRICULATE AT THIS (GRABS CROTCH)
Accompanied the kid to a college “fair” recently and I think events like that are going to be dead in five years. It seems mostly like a crowded and low-tech way to leave your information with schools and start to get lots of mail. Maybe it would be useful if you had never been on the internet in your life?
Also there are all these shadowy companies now, intertwined with high school guidance departments in what is probably a monopolistic and unethical way, that I guess run some weird proprietary algorithm and give you a list of where you are likely to be accepted. BACK IN MY DAY [elderly wheeze] you mostly just tried to write a decent essay and hoped for the best. I literally think I filled out a paper application for my alma mater. With a typewriter, because I wanted it to LOOK GOOD.
Lately it seems that I’m morphing into some sort of Zen Person, trusting the universe and all that shit, which irritates me greatly. My mental image of myself is more of a tightly wound Business Rodent, smoking and stressing out and unable to stop the rodent thoughts in my head. But now it’s like J. Jonah Jameson went camping and ate a strong edible and realized he didn’t really need pictures of Spider-Man to consider his career a success. What is a picture anyway? J. Jonah Jameson got high, read some later Wittgenstein, and realized that a picture of Spider-Man wouldn’t have any meaning on its own but would acquire meaning only by being put to specific uses and pushed into existence through language. Where was I going with this.
Anyway, my baby is a sophomore and unsure what he wants in a college, but I’m starting to think (Zen Person style) that the specifics might not matter so much.* Although I am not the one attending said college, here’s what I want as a mom: not TOO far away (four-hour drive or less? Something like that? I’m flexible), a place where he finds his people, graduate in four years with a degree and not too much debt, ability to have some kind of independent research project or work experience that can translate into getting that all-important first job. And those wants can be realized at lots of colleges! Lots and lots!
*This recent news about the “side door” college admissions scandal notwithstanding. I read the whole DOJ report on my lunch hour, and while it was gross and embarrassing I really enjoyed the wiretap phone transcripts after the FBI flipped the guy in charge. Basically the crimes were already done but they asked him to call each of the indicted folks back and be like “Hey remember that crime we did? I just want you to acknowledge that we did that crime. Here’s how to cover it up. Can you repeat that after me? That we did that crime together but we’re going to cover up the crime in such and such a way? Thanks, dude.” Holy shit, HANG UP if you do a crime and then get a call like that. Don’t you people ever watch TV?
FULL SPECTRUM
In keeping with my vow to be physically present in as few retail establishments as possible,* I use Stitch Fix and mostly like it. It’s great as long as you are not looking for specific clothing pieces but are okay with making a Pinterest board of clothes** you like and trusting the stylists to send you similar stuff.
But speaking of trust, I recently requested a different stylist after she bugged me about colors for three shipments in a row. “Please tell me what colors you like for spring!” “Are there any other colors you like besides black and gray?” I already branched out into maroons and wines! What do you want from me?
This last missive was the one that broke me, where she wrote something like, “As we move into spring, black and gray will become hard to find, so let me know what other colors you like!” Oh sure, IMPOSSIBLE to find black clothing once spring hits. Nary a piece of black or gray cloth in the land! It’s okay if you find my monochrome professionally frustrating, but don’t LIE.
*TREND STORY: GEN-X’ERS ARE KILLING BRICK-AND-MORTAR STORES
**My Stitch Fix board sometimes turns into aspirational Look At This Fashion Lady: I Either Want To Fuck Her Or Be Her. As in, less about my lifestyle and my particular body and my clothing needs and more about a dream of a different life. But hey that’s Pinterest in general. So maybe I’m doing it exactly right.
—mimi smartypants in a dusty black coat with a red right hand.