tour guide
SQUIRMY WORMY
Two great bits of information about worms this week:
- Go fuck yourself, worm.
- Girl, I got so many legs. I got a pair of antenna-like appendages, 6 pairs of elongate setiferous limbs for suspension feeding, and 9 pairs of clawed annulated legs with an anchoring function.
HINEYASANA
Nora and I were doing a yoga video together, which had taken some fancy talking on my part, because when you are 12 not doing things is extremely preferable to doing things. It was going fine until the yoga lady said, in reference to uttana shishoasana, “this really opens your heart,” and Nora muttered, “It also really opens your butthole” and then we both got the giggles and that’s enough yoga for one day.
YOU GOTTA PARTY WITH PORTUGAL APE
Despite multiple delays thanks to Air Canada (slogan: “Sorry Not Sorry”), Portugal was awesome.
We had a hotel suite with a giant round bathtub. I swam around and around like a little grimy goldfish in there, especially after all the walking on cobblestones and hiking up mountains.
Stuff was picturesque.
Street art was entertaining. Here’s some from the fun twisty alleyways of the Alfama district.
We were mildly mugged here. LT (stupidly, in retrospect) had his phone in his shirt pocket, and a dodgy dude tried to grab it, but LT did a ninja move to block his arm, and then we all kept walking. Sorry, no picture of the ineffective mugger. It’s not that dude on the stairs.
Regular art in various palaces was…something. Could no one in the 16th century draw a decent horse? What is with these fat-ass horses with their oddly tiny heads?
Or Jesus in lingerie, cuddling a…tiny fat horse?
There was a Lisbon street cat. He didn’t want pets as much as he wanted sardines. I petted him anyway, which I regretted the minute I touched his fur, and worked very hard on not letting that hand touch any other part of my body until I could grope in my purse for the hand sanitizer.
Castles and stuff. We hiked about 1200 feet up here. It took forever, but there is a castle at the top to reward you.
But the most important ingredient for a romantic 20th-anniversary trip is beer.
If you go to Lisbon, make sure you hook up with Portugal Ape. He knows all the best places.
Portugal Ape knows coffee.
Portugal Ape knows beer.
Portugal Ape knows how to get train tickets to Sintra, where you can hike up to Moorish castles and shit.
Portugal Ape knows about a teeny reservations-only wine bar, where they play the same Depeche Mode Greatest Hits CD over and over but also have a very generous pour and amazing cheese.
Portugal Ape knows about a hip underground cocktail bar.
Portugal Ape even knows about Portuguese street liquor! Tastes like Nyquil but makes you feel very festive indeed.
—mimi smartypants knows how hard it is for you to shake the disease.