fire in the donut hole
FOUR THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME ABOUT HAVING A SCHOOL-AGED KID
They have interesting things to talk about. Toddlers are great, but there is only so much pointing out big! dogs! and pretty! flowers! that one can take.
It is amazing to watch them develop friendships. Real friendships based on shared affinities and complementary personalities, instead of just proximity or happenstance.
They are aware of and appreciate family rituals. Little kids absorb the safety and security of rituals, but my big kid attaches serious sentimental value to family dinners, the “night words” (things I say every night before she goes to sleep), Hash Brown Friday, and the fact that we throw something (organic—sticks, rocks, etc) in the river every day on our walk to school.
Big kids do up their own seat belts, put on their own shoes, get out of the way of the door so that it can be unlocked and opened (this one used to drive me CRAZY), and wash their own hair.
FOUR THINGS THAT ARE LESS AWESOME
They may be able to do the day-to-day things independently, but long-term projects still involve major oversight from me. And let me tell you, my kid’s school LOVES long-term projects, “creative” book reports, and hands-on presentations. Fine from a pedagogical perspective, but so damn tiring. Dear School: please feel free to phone it in once in a while. How about a little rote learning or a downloaded worksheet? Thanks.
When they’re little, you just take care of them. Of course you have to set an example, but little kids just don’t watch you as closely. Now is the time you really have to teach them to be a good person, on top of all the other parenting shit you have to do.
They are way too curious. And persistent. Nora went through a Financial Inquisitor Phase of wanting to know how much I make, how much our house cost, and so forth, and it was so hard to explain why I would not answer those questions. (Some of the reasons: because she has no concept of what the amounts mean or signify, and also I’d rather not it be repeated around the schoolyard. Also, because it’s weird, damn it! Children should not know your salary!)
They think they know more than they really do. Hence: arguments and backtalk.
MY FELLOW WILDEBEESTS
I have fallen down twice this winter, once from the negligence of Whole Foods employees (who had not cleaned up some bakery wax paper left on the floor) and once from the sidewalk equivalent of black ice. Both times strangers came to my aid (which was not really needed, but thanks anyway), and both times I noticed how quickly people insist that you stand up after falling. The Whole Foods guy hauled me to my feet by one arm just seconds after I fell, before even asking me if I was okay, and the sidewalk strangers were similarly swift to help me stand. I did not exactly want to hang out on the floor or anything, but I found the insistence on quick standing interesting. It’s like a herd-animal response: get up! Get up, or lions will eat you! It’s Whole Foods, not a mosh pit—it would have been okay to take my time.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY VAGINAL
There is an ad for something called “Vagisil Feminine Wash” that I keep seeing on TiVo fast-forward, and I always have to stop and watch because it is so amazing. There is a young woman standing apart from her three friends, who are talking in a soft-focus group in the background, while the voiceover talks about “embarrassing odor.” Then the voiceover talks about the product, which, as stated, is special soap for washing your horrifyingly unclean genitals. For SHAME! Then the same woman is shown talking and laughing with her friends. Her vagina has been forgiven. Go forth and sin no more!
1. Do her friends have special Hannibal-Lecter olfactory powers?
2. Is her hoo-ha really that smelly, that the odor can be discerned at a normal talking distance and through her clothes? Might want to go to the doctor or something, lady. Damn.
3. Are the friends really more than friends, and routinely have four-way lesbian sex orgies, and they are also kind of gossipy and backstabby and emotionally dominating, and the protagonist has been lax with her hygiene lately, and the other three are thus totally ostracizing her and withholding the hot lesbian four-way sex? And being the submissive type, and also in thrall to the hot lesbian four-way sex, she becomes desperate and is willing to do anything, anything, even rubbing toxic chemicals (jesus christ, TRICLOSAN???) on her vulva, just to get back into their pants and good graces? This is my favorite backstory for the ad, but also, sadly, the least plausible.
—mimi smartypants prefers her version.