put your nose on the smell map
HOW NOT TO CONVERSATE
1. First: I do not really love being in the middle of full-blown spousal or kid-related kvetching. It is difficult to articulate the difference between “venting” and “mean-spirited disrespect of your loved ones,” but, sort of like porn, I know it when I see it. I guess to qualify as venting it needs that undercurrent of “but I love him anyway,” or (with kids) “it’s just a (very aggravating) phase.”
However, we’re all human and complaints are going to be the conversation topic occasionally. Here is what not to do in that situation! You don’t listen to the discussion of Annoying Behavior X, and then say, “Oh, my kid never does X.” Congratulations, you just simultaneously killed the discussion and made everyone else feel weird/defensive/hostile. Listen, my kid has been pretty much a walk in the park, behavior-wise (so far), so I have been on the listening end of many “does not apply” conversations. But I kept my mouth shut! Or maybe I had an ounce of empathy and replied that it did sound very fucking annoying indeed!
2. Please do not announce that you are approximately ten minutes pregnant and then try to suck me into a discussion of car seats. Yes, CAR SEATS. FOR A FETUS. There really is no more boring parent-conversation than the “baby stuff” conversation. Get the kid a box to sleep in and a couple of safety/restraint items and SHUT UP ABOUT IT before I kill us both. You may think a murder-suicide is an over-the-top reaction to baby-related consumer mania but I assure you it is not.
3. For some reason, when asked at Whole Foods if I want to donate my ten-cent bringing-my-bag refund to the charity of the day, I have taken to responding with a hearty, “Hell no.” I don’t know why. Depending on the cashier, I either get dopey-eyed confusion or behind-the-goatee smirking. To be honest, I am not so much a cheapskate as I am annoyed at the way the “charity of the day” is never specified. There is a sign somewhere around the cash register but you have to hunt for it, and usually it is some kind of pro-animal/anti-hunger thing but one of these days it could be the Aryan Brotherhood and who will have the last laugh then? ME! I will feel all virtuous for having withheld my dimes from white supremacists.
4. There is a big cheese at my company who always asks “what’s going on” and gets annoyed if you say “nothing” or “the usual” or any other standard non-answer. This annoys me in return because since when is “what’s going on” a real question? But I now have a foolproof comeback: I just reply that “I’m producing high-quality scientific content for our print and online products.” The cheese cannot really argue with that.
MYTHICAL
Nora recently scored a cool three-headed dragon puppet, and it was the focus of much imaginative solo play during our lazy Sunday, which made it cheap at any price. She is also writing a book about dragons on the computer, so far there is not much action but a lot of scene-setting: “coins of gold in leather pouches,” “midnight moonlight on the garden steps,” etc. On second thought I am not sure if she is writing a novel or a Nick Cave song. I have provided a tiny bit of editorial direction by suggesting that she actually give the dragons names, as page after page of “the first dragon” and “the other dragon” is going to get old really fast.
—mimi smartypants has the threshold apprehension.