brian eno can do a thousand push-ups
BURNING DOWN MESSING UP THE HOUSE
Today I worked from home, which involves a surprising amount of actual work. Here I do have nature’s greatest timewaster (the Internet), but I also have multiple easily-obtained cups of tea, instead of the tedious crawling-around-on-the-floor process of plugging in my illegal work teapot. I also have a window behind me, with a dull view of the neighbor’s yard, instead of the tantalizing just-to-my-life skyscraper view I have at work. Plus I do NOT have people stopping by to ask me questions. All I have are the cats, who would much prefer I stay seated instead of tromping all over the house causing them angst. Already this morning I have ruined their lives by spilling the container of candied fennel seeds and dragging out the TERRIFYING VACUUM to clean the mess up.
The minute I bought those candied fennel seeds (along with frozen idli and painfully cheap vegetables—you rock, Indian grocery stores!) I had visions of the day I would spill them all over the kitchen. Today was that day! It’s so nice when a plan comes together.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING
Tomorrow I will do something wholly out of character and take off for Broad Summit. You know I don’t do these blog things, right? I would attend a seminar on how to gut and skin a hog before I would attend one on how to maximize my blog’s “revenue stream” or how to increase “traffic” or any of those things. But Maggie Mason invited me to the aforementioned and said there would be no seminars but instead lots of wine and goofing around. And Eden told me in soothing tones that it couldn’t possibly be horrible, and I reminded myself that if for some reason it was I could always escape into the woods with one of those bottles of wine. You know, go feral. Draw a star map, kill a deer.
Really, what’s the worst thing that could happen? I guess that everyone thinks I’m a heinous bitch and writes terrible things about me on their blogs! I think I can live with that (hopefully remote) possibility.
Also, I asked about fifty times and was assured about fifty more times that I would not have to write about the weekend unless I felt like it, and would not be expected to say nice things about the sponsors unless I felt like it. I do not want to make a big fat hairy ideological deal about how I don’t have ads or review products or transcribe anything other than the volcanic eruptions of my own brain, but I just don’t.
So now it’s all over except the mild anxiety about what to wear and the moderate anxiety of meeting and socializing with a bunch of strangers. Also please note that I do plan to tell them my real name, in contrast to what that “attendees” link might imply. I’m not THAT weird. I just like to keep RealName off the internet, and save it for in-person encounters. If we end up European-kissing in the back of a cab, you might even get RealMiddleName!
Another thing I have historically kept off the internet is photographic representation of myself. Maggie warned that this will probably be a picture-happy event full of drunk girls with cameras, and that inevitably some photos tagged “Mimi Smartypants” will end up posted somewhere, and I entered that fact into my mental calculus of Attend? Or Not? and decided I did not really care. Honestly, I am getting so relaxed and gray-area when it comes to things about which I used to be very STRIDENT and SERIOUS. I own a bathing suit. I drive (short, non-highway distances). I have clothing in colors other than black, my child eats at least one sugary thing per day, I sometimes wear makeup, and there may soon be photos of me online, although hopefully ones where I am fully clothed and not making some pouty MySpace face.
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU SEVEN CHALICES…WHAT? YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL
I was reading a blog post that mentioned this band, and how hilarious is that? “Seven Chalices of Vomit and Blood.” Well good morning to you too! It kind of blows my mind that anybody takes themselves that seriously, but no one has ever accused the black-metal genre of too much critical/ironic perspective. VOMIT AND BLOOD AND DARKNESS!
Wait, they also have a song called “Necrosemen.” I can’t stop laughing!
—mimi smartypants lives in a demon-infested grotto.