atlas debugged
NOW IS THE HOUR WHEN I AM CRYPTIC AND FUMBLING
I was trying to make a metaphor about emotions using the two different types of volume control and eighty-two false starts later, I realized I cannot even describe the vehicle, much less the tenor. Okay, for instance: on my iPod Touch the little slider thing has, I suppose, an infinite number of settings. My finger pushes it wherever. (Maybe, behind the scenes, there are really pre-set volume levels, and I only have the ILLUSION OF TOTAL CONTROL. But that screws my metaphor, so let’s ignore it.)
In contrast, the volume control for my car stereo is a knob on the console (also a button on the steering wheel, which is very convenient) with a distinct click for each level and a corresponding number displayed. A meaningless number with no unit of measure attached (how loud is “30”? I suppose it’s twice as loud as “15”), but a number and a level and a click, rather than the “anything goes” slider on the iPod.
So, engineer/hardware types: what’s the difference? How would you describe these two things if you had to write up specifications on them? Bonus points if it still slots neatly into my overwrought metaphor, which I won’t detail here in order not to sway the results.
WOW DUDE
Last week yielded some of the best train eavesdropping in a while. I was sad when my stop arrived and I had to miss the rest of this conversation, and considered taking a different route home so I could continue listening. This guy was talking loudly on his cell phone, and in the course of around seven minutes he mentioned a halfway house (although apparently he is just about to graduate to a “three-quarters house,” guns, fucking up a Negro (I’m quoting, here—he actually did use the word “Negro” and not the more vulgar vernacular) so bad he went to the hospital, his girlfriend’s recent abortion, his girlfriend’s mother’s recent abortion, Ritalin abuse, and liberal use of the word “motherfucker.” It was all very thug-stereotype except for the Ritalin, which was an interesting departure. The best was yet to come, however. Just before my stop he asked his call recipient, “Hey, are y’all have been being drinking or something?” I wrote that down exactly and I wish I had a recording of it. ARE YOU HAVE BEEN BEING DRINKING. You do not get extra points for more verbs! Is that the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional? Paging Dr. Dan Streetmentioner!
ODD WORD CHOICES
1. Walking up a big sand dune:
My mom: This hill is really steep.
Nora [offering her hand]: Would you like some support?
2. Driving past a farm, Nora says, “Look! Cattle!”
3. Possibly because of our car’s talking GPS thingy, the 21st-century version of “Are we there yet” is “When will we reach our destination?”
MUCH PARAPHRASED
H: What is BlogHer?
Me: Believe it or not, a conference about blogging just for chicks. Giving the whole enterprise a lot more weight than it deserves, if you ask me. Doesn’t everybody and their monkey have a blog now?
H: Have you ever been to it?
Me: Yes. I have sat in a hotel conference room and learned how to maximize my blog’s “revenue stream.”
H: Wow, really? Because I was joking.
Me: Uh, me too. I guess one can’t text with irony.
One good thing did come out of a conference about blogging, however: I got to have lunch with Mrs. Kennedy. I think I picked kind of a weird restaurant, but it was a tricky challenge of not-too-far-out-of-anybody’s-way, open-for-lunch, and tolerant-of-children (Nora tagged along for dull, childcare-related reasons). We had a nice, if slightly rushed, lunch and then Nora and I went home and both fell asleep on my bed for about 20 minutes. Not sure what was up with that. Eden Kennedy sapped my strength!
Another thing that has sapped my strength is my itty-bitty vacation to southwest Michigan. I don’t know if it was the sun or the lake or the mountain of laundry that came home with us, but I have been quite sleepy ever since returning from the Mitten.
—mimi smartypants can’t get started.