loco de amor
BEING SLOWLY TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE FOLLOWING ITEMS
1. Probably as a result of our recent trip to the natural history museum, aka the Festival of Taxidermy, I cannot stop thinking about the common names of various animals, in particular those that have an “importance qualifier.” The least weasel. The least grebe. The lesser sand plover. The greater prairie chicken and the lesser prairie chicken. (May I remind the greater prairie chicken of something? You are still a prairie chicken. There, I said it. Maybe now you'll stop strutting around the prairie like you're All That.)
2. The .38 Special song about holding on loosely but not letting go. Oh god I can NOT get it out of my brain. It is like someone took a giant dump in my auditory processing lobe. And no, I did not know it was by .38 Special when I first got the earworm, because I am not a classic-rock tool. Thank you internet for further refining my (unwanted) knowledge.
3. The phrase “Long live the dictatorship of the proletariat.” I think this roughly every thirty-five minutes and I am not sure why. It has nothing to do with .38 Special as far as I know, but it sort of goes with the least/lesser animals obsession. The glorious reign of the least weasel!
HOPEFULLY NOT SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE
I can't help it, I like Tom Perrotta. He is definitely not the most profound or the most lyrical novelist out there but he is just really…competent. I would want him reading my drafts if I ever attempted to write a novel. (Note: will never happen.) I enjoyed The Abstinence Teacher even if the ending sucked, and I enjoyed Little Children even if it got turned into a severely crappy movie. (I knew I was in trouble the minute the voice-over narration began. Dude, you have FILM at your disposal and you are using voice-over narration? Whaaaaat?) On the other hand the Little Children movie had a naked Kate Winslet, but no, I stand firm that it sucked despite her extreme bonability. Not that I have the proper equipment for boning Kate Winslet. But there is technology available, I suppose, should she ever desire to be boned by me. Okay I have said too much. The end.
I HEART HUFFING
So I am in the work bathroom and someone has put a can of air freshener in the stall. I would rather not think about why this was deemed necessary, but I have to admit I kind of appreciated having something to read. The scent was called “Fresh Water” but shouldn't truly fresh water have no smell? MYSTERIOUS. Also mysterious was this note on the back of the can:
NOTE TO PARENTS: Use only as directed. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal.
Okay, it is not so mysterious; I guess it is nice of the government to remind us that huffing air freshener will fuck you up. The part I like is the “Note to Parents.” I think the idea is that this is parental knowledge because it is teens/children who are most likely to try this dumbass move, but I like the other interpretation—that having a child makes you particularly prone to inhalant abuse. In the minivan with the rubber cement! Doin' some whippets before the PTA meeting! I was making dinner and wow, that Pam cooking spray looked mighty tempting!
TWO CAT-RELATED ITEMS
Dozens of my email friends thought I would like Garfield Minus Garfield
and they were correct.
Nora drew this chart in the car. I am not sure why the quadruple view. The eyebrows on the lower-right bad cat are amazing, but I almost like the lower-left bad cat better. He just looks more gnarled and badass.
—mimi smartypants sets it and forgets it.