tear us apart, again
New pants I am wearing, pants of the newness, mama's got some brand-new pants, first time out of the closet, check out my new pants! The new pants are the most complicated pants in pants history. New pants should have come with a manual or an instructional video. I somehow failed to realize the Byzantine nature of the pants during the try-on and purchasing process, and today each time I visit the bathroom I am in there going GODDAMN IT and WTF because the new pants have two interior buttons, a zipper, and two hook-and-eye things on the front. Should I decide to de-virginize a teenage boy (which incidentally is somewhere around #5 on today's to-do list), I will need to get the pants off myself because there is no way he will be able to handle this level of complexity. The aforementioned horny teenager may also need to think about baseball for a spell because getting the pants off takes some time. Good god, these pants. Seriously.
Besides being trapped in my pants, I am also sleepy. According to my self-imposed schedule, I am supposed to run at least two miles tonight, but I feel floppy and crumbly and my legs ache strangely (why? can I blame the pants for that too?), and I am thinking more about couch and cans of Miller High Life and Netflixed episodes of Arrested Development than I am about a bright and humid (how do they get it so humid?) gym treadmill with my Very Terrible Running Playlist pounding in my ears. Did you know that I listen to embarrassing music when I run? It is true. There is Sonic Youth and The Killers and The Clash and Nirvana, sure, but there is also Britney and Justin and Eminem and that Blackstreet “No Diggety” song from ten years ago.
INSTALLMENT X OF THE “MY KID MAKES ME LAUGH” VARIETY HOUR
1. Nora: [asks for an explanation of some scientific thing]
Me: [explains to the best of my ability]
[pause]
Nora: Well, that sounds reasonable.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Little Ms. Skeptic!
2. Nora: We should get a book about burglars. I am interested in burglars. Are there any books about burglars that are for kids?
Added to the Amazon wishlist: All Aboard Reading: Burglars! Let's-Read-And-Find-Out About Breaking And Entering! The Little Golden Book Of Larceny! Ready, Set, Case The Joint! The Kids' Book Of Stealing!
3. Nora: Sometimes I think I want to have a penis.
Me [silently]: Fuck, Freud already?
Me [out loud]: Really? Why?
Nora: I don't know. I just like them. I don't maybe want a penis forever. Just maybe for a while. Like maybe magic. Like maybe for a day.
Me: If you magically had a penis for a day, what would you do with it?
Nora: I don't know. [long pause] Pee, I guess.
Me: Yeah.
AND OH YEAH, IDAHO
This list of state songs contains many awesomely bad titles. Can't you just hear the weary sigh that must accompany “Oh, Arkansas”? Oh Arkansas what are we going to do with you? How about “Here We Have Idaho”? Yup, there it is. Not much else to say, really.
Holy shit, am I really getting out of here in less than one thousand words? Sure looks that way. The intricate pants must hinder my thought processes.
—mimi smartypants is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.