mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?
a ludicrously simple dog shape
“When using any driving directions or map, it's a good idea to do a reality check and make sure the road still exists, watch out for construction, and follow all traffic safety precautions. This is only to be used as an aid in planning.”That is a direct quote from Yahoo's driving directions. (Emphasis mine.) When […]
a man and a woman and a blackbird
WORDS AND DEATHConsider carefully the suicide note. JUST WORDS, HOLD THE DEATHWhen I watch you do the cha-cha to the beat of the tam-tam, I get so gaga that I have to swallow kava kava. Want to go out for couscous? I think peeweep, a type of bird, is my new favorite palindrome. Remember when […]
in which I subvert logical discourse in order to touch the heart of the mystery
STATUS REPORTI have a stomachache and I hate my underwear.Also, why do people call me? Don't they know I hate the phone? Don't they know how aggressive it is to call someone, to demand that you listen to their voice in real time and compose replies to what they are saying? Don't they know that […]
you live and you learn, unfortunately
I have a new pen. The Pilot P-700. They come in black, blue, purple, and green, and oh they give me the shivers. The cap clicks on with a hot little click. The word “FINE” is imprinted on the barrel inside a sexy oval. Yes baby you are fine. So very fine. These pens write […]
the meadow spittlebug does severe damage to grasses and wheat
MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK OF MAD LIBSWeird #1: I am starting to feel like Josef K. All morning I've been talking to various cops and detectives, because I am going to have to have some evidence of identity theft if I'm going to get my driver's license reinstated at this administrative hearing (which, […]
prone upon the pallet
Stay away from this if you are Martin Amis and you don't like Beckett's prose. But I like Beckett's prose, very much, and Beckett's prose may in fact be just what we need for a Monday. So “nyah” to you, Marty. (I call Martin Amis “Marty,” sometimes. He doesn't seem to mind but then later […]
all you wanted in times square and less
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE AND ILLICIT MAKEOUTListen, you are totally going to think that I'm making it up, but my brain won’t stop having these celebrity dreams, and last night it was that I was making out with Elie Wiesel. One hundred percent true. He had come to my campus to give a talk, and I […]
I have to get these llamas to school
MY SEMI-LEWD LIFE*I had a headache. But instead of swallowing a handful of Aleve and chasing it with a gin and tonic like I normally would, I decided to be a Healthy Heidi and fix things the natural way. “I shall practice some yoga!” I thought. “Perhaps with one of my yoga tapes! Yoga is […]
countdown to pancakes
GREENISH ACRESI am not a gardener. Gardens are usually outside, and I tend to whither in the sun. Mosquitoes love me and ragweed makes me sneeze. I have houseplants. Houseplants stay safely within their little pots. Houseplants make you feel like a cock-rockin' Martha Stewart without very much effort at all. (Perhaps I have just […]
I dig your spastic reactions
I was complaining about how apathetic and generic I feel about everything, up to and including writing and posting here, and it was suggested that I have a guest author. But I'm really bad about delegating, so I don't think I want to do that. But if you are seriously bored—if all your friends have […]
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