mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

Archive for March 2002

the kangaroo rat is my totem animal

On 11 March 2002

AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT AN HREF= THING, by mimi smartypantsGood shower reading: the conditioner I'm using has some copy on the back of its container that instructs you to leave it on your head for one to three minutes “depending on the extent of distress.” I like being forced to gauge the extent of my distress […]

jockstrap of the gods

On 10 March 2002

You know how sometimes you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or a reflected window and think, “Damn, I look good today?” No, me neither. Instead, I usually catch said glimpses and notice some weird mark on my face, or scared hunted look in my eyes, or the way the humidity has made […]

shadowtime

On 8 March 2002

I think of the mountain of dead kittens I have caused and I sob. I'm sorry!Have you read The Gilded Bat? It is one of my favorites. I'll never forget the line, “Maudie was only five when she was discovered gazing at a dead bird by Madame Trepidovska.” (Does that remind you of anyone you […]

about as funny as a heart attack

On 7 March 2002

NO! NEW! TALE TO TELL! (So instead you get the disjointed paragraphs yet again.)Hands down, the most moronic unsolicited e-mail I have ever received regarding this diary thing came this morning. It was from some Yahoo (oh how appropriate, at least in a Gulliver's Travels sense) address and consisted of one line: “Hi I love […]

triangular and subcutaneous

On 5 March 2002

LOOK OUT SHE'S DOING THAT ASTERISK THING AGAINby mimi smartypants*Did you know that the slogan for the Chicago Transit Authority is “Take It”? It's not a very good slogan, but at least its imperative mood is appropriate. It would be even more appropriate if “Take It” were bracketed by the following two phrases, in order:1. […]

24-hour drive-through taxidermist

On 5 March 2002

Yesterday I was in the library mood. Oh yes I was. So I went down there, to the library, after work, only to find a big sign on the door that it was closed for Casimir Pulaski Day. Why, oh why, must I be thwarted in every venture? One could argue that I should have […]

down in the basement we hear the sound of machines

On 4 March 2002

AS WE GET OLDER, AND STOP MAKING SENSEby mimi smartypantsOur results suggest that wine drinking is associated with optimal social, intellectual, and personality functioning, while beer drinking is associated with suboptimal characteristics.(But I drink both wine and beer. Does that mean that, like most people, I have both optimal AND suboptimal characteristics?)Street drug terms. Totally […]

chart-topping dithyramb

On 4 March 2002

One hundred percent true: I woke up this morning thinking, “Gee, Your Crotch Smells Terrific.” Oh the mirth! Oh the comedy! Even in my sleep. I'm back from my whirlwind 18 hours or so in Madison, Wisconsin: wine and Italian food and book-related discussion and more wine with some almost-excessively-domestic friends who live there. They […]

gravity doesn't require that you believe in it

On 1 March 2002

Before we begin, let's get this out of the way: Be still my heart! Would it just be too, too decadent to go to London for a weekend in June?FOUR PUNY PETTY PROBLEMS OF MINE1. The entire world woke up today and said: Hey, let's all be mean to Mimi Smartypants! Let's dump a whole […]