marked hyperphagia
THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART
I have been entertaining myself lately with “relationship” and “marriage” forums on the internet. It is a weird hobby but an anthropological interest of mine (see: not-so-secret love of shitty reality shows), because it will never cease to amaze how people can make even simple things very, very difficult.
It was reading one of these forums when I found what is possibly the Worst Relationship Advice Ever!
Can you make a deal that you never fight when the moment presents itself? Have a date/time once a week when you discuss the things that upset you both? Maybe keep a journal where you write down what bothered you, like this: Mon: did not ask me how my day was. Tues: did not help with dinner or dishes.
That’s going to go real well. Just follow these instructions!
- Be vigilantly on the lookout for small slights and careless acts committed by your life partner.
- Gather those injustices up in a black, bitter, slimy ball of resentment and note them carefully in your Journal of Wronged-ness. Make sure you use specific language and record the time and date!
- At the appointed time of the Airing Of The Grievances, kick off your shoes, snuggle up on the couch, and read each other the lists of who did what to whom, and how very terrible it made you feel.
Date night just got awesome!
BUMMED OUT
Because Nora is 13 she spends ridiculous amounts of time on YouTube. For me, any video that is over two minutes long had better be pretty fucking funny, but kids these days don’t just go to the ‘Tube (I am very cool, so I call it “the ‘Tube”) for the funny, they go to learn math and how to make explosions with ordinary household items and also to watch other people play video games (a genre I will never understand).
Recently she has become fond of “lifehacks” videos, which mostly means I get to hear EVEN MORE how I’m doing things wrong. (I think she’s a bit too young and/or too sincere for Reddit, otherwise I would introduce her to r/shittylifehacks, which is actually sort of funny.) Anyway, I assume a lifehack video is the reason behind why she suddenly started telling me out of nowhere that if there are ants on your patio, and you want to get rid of the ants without poison, you can make a pile of cornmeal in a corner. The story is that ants are all like, “oooh, food” but they cannot actually digest the cornmeal, so they waste a lot of energy carrying it down to the colony at the expense of foraging for other stuff, and they all starve to death. (Note: the internet seems to be divided on the veracity of this. Entomologists, please meet me for a drink somewhere and let’s discuss.) (Also, please bring a preserved beetle.)
Me: Oh, that’s really sad.
N: They’re ants.
Me: I know, but just the futility of it all.
N: Eh.
Me: Doesn’t any ant ever catch on? Like stand up and say, “Listen everyone, hold on a second here! This stuff is not nourishing us!”
N: Mom.
Me: Ant uprising!
N: That’s a nice narrative, mom. But…no.
And then she called me “Narrative Mom” for hours, it was quite cruel. Between that and being nearly the same height as me, with growth spurts yet to come,* I am feeling very picked-on these days.
*Time-out for saying something that I really am not even supposed to think, let alone type: I adopt an Asian child and I STILL don’t get to be taller than her? NOT FAIR.
THANK YOU INTERNET
There is always a piece of paper by my bed, in case I wake up randomly and have to write something down. Recently it was this: “find slow-motion video of a duck walking.” I don’t remember why sleep-me thought this was so crucial, but awake-me dutifully googled, AND LO.
Right on.
There is nothing about this on the internet yet (oh wait! now there is!), but also on that piece of wake-up paper was a dream/idea for a video game where your avatar was shrunk down to miniature size and had to fight his or her way through a dense pan of Thanksgiving stuffing. With all the attendant dangers and obstacles, naturally. Oh no, celery!
Now I have just given the idea away for free and by November there will be a million-dollar app out there. MARK MY WORDS.
—mimi smartypants, an herb-scented side dish.