mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

shake up baby and wake up to what is real

What do you do while your kid is at a therapy appointment? You become a white-mom cliche and a half, and take advantage of Starbucks wifi with an iced Americano and your largest rectangle (laptop). I’m far from the only one. I might not even be the only one writing in her online diary or the only one listening to Thigh Master. It’s hard to tell. People can surprise you.

This next bit is going to be the kind of thing that, when you read it, will probably make you say, “Bitch, you are never happy.” OH WELL you’re gonna think what you think and also it’s true: I never am. Here it is!

The world made entirely too big a deal about Mother’s Day. This, I can somewhat forgive. The world is dealing with:

  1. The 24-hour internet “content” cycle;
  2. An increasingly desperate retail landscape (“PLEASE BUY THINGS! FOR…UH, MOTHER’S DAY, SURE!”)
  3. A culture that is not really sure what to do about women, so when a clear role (motherhood) comes along and is easily celebrated, is like OH THANK GOD.

What I cannot forgive (nor forget) is the humongous deal my WORK made about Mother’s Day. It started early. All week: What are you doing for Mother’s Day? Friday: Have a good Mother’s Day! Sunday: My boss texts me and her other female-direct-reports-with-children to say Happy Mother’s Day and that we are all wonderful mothers, and thanking us for all we do for both our families and the [name of company] family. On Monday, the uber-boss came by to hand me a coffee-related gift card and say, “Happy Mother’s Day.” OKAY HERE WE GO.

  1. This really is not work’s domain. How about you stay out of Mother’s Day, work? I have a kid. I have a job. The two things are not really related.
  2. I’m not mothering the [name of company] “family,” for crying out loud. I work there. They pay me.
  3. Also, you have no idea what kind of mother I am! Maybe I’m not a wonderful mother! Maybe I’m super shitty!
  4. I am insanely curious to know if boss will text male-direct-reports-with-children something similar on Father’s Day. Would put money on “no,” but I could be (and am willing to be) wrong.
  5. Even if you are okay with this insane collapse/conflation of Mother’s Day and work life, isn’t talking about something like Mother’s Day kind of iffy, in a business etiquette way? You don’t know who is overhearing you. It could be a person who’s had five miscarriages. It could be a person with a dead mom, a drunk mom, a mean mom, an incarcerated mom. It could be a person (me) who has a great relationship with her kid but has complex feelings about this sort of performative holiday, and has requested nothing more than a nap and sushi for dinner. Save telling me how wonderful I am for my birthday! I’ve been me way longer than I’ve been a mom.

Is there room for a little more complaining about work? Besides wishing me a happy Mother’s Day (over and over again), they also made me go to a “leadership” seminar, two hours closer to death in a conference room with flip charts and small-group work and Myers-Briggs quasi-nonsense about our communication styles. I was mad right off the bat because of all the handouts had a “credit line” that read like this:

*Adapted from multiple sources.

Excuse me, is that a reference? Is that scholarly? Is that giving any sort of credit whatsoever? It is going to save so much time now that every academic can just submit their papers with end matter that says “Adapted from multiple sources.” OH MULTIPLE SOURCES? DAMN, OKAY THEN.

Also there was a typo that said that the Myers-Briggs “thinking” type can sometimes seem “ridged.” Yeah, but why is that a problem? Ridged, like the good potato chips. Ridged for her pleasure. Nothing wrong with being ridged.

I am saving the worst for last, where we all had to do introductions and say what kind of animal exemplifies our personality. I said some bullshit, I don’t even remember, but of course I came up with better answers after the introductions were over:

I am most like a MEALWORM, because I am the LOWEST OF THE LOW and I am also mainly FOOD FOR OTHERS

I am most like a SPERM WHALE because there is a VALUABLE OIL in my HEAD CAVITY

I am most like an ARMADILLO because I have a LEATHERY ARMORED SHELL and I can give you LEPROSY

—mimi smartypants has sharp claws for digging.