imagination shake hands
RE: YOUR EMBARRASSING TRANSACTIONS
I don’t know who Jason [LastNameRedacted] is, but I wish I would stop getting fraud and “transaction denied” notifications about his credit card. Somehow his card and my cell phone number have gotten mixed up so at least once a week I get text messages saying, “Did you use card ending in 1234 at…a vape store? At Larry Flynt’s Hustler? At Hooters? At a strip club in Joliet?” (Heaven help us.) It seems that Jason is either a real piece of shit or his card was stolen by a real piece of shit; either way it is not my problem. But there is no arguing with a texting robot from the bank.
WAKE ME UP
It is allergy season and thus the season of Benadryl dreams. I’ve dreamed about the WNBA, Congressional term limits, a really snarky and hilarious “drain the swamp” joke that I was proud of in the dream but cannot remember now, and a church where the communion wafers were either regular or fish-flavored (parishioner’s choice).
JUST FOR MEEEEEEE
I am a major sucker for “personalized” shit (Stitch Fix, the Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify, Amazon recommendations, etc). That said, there are a lot of very silly companies out there, and there is one that claims to send you a supply of shampoo and conditioner customized for your particular hair. I took their hair quiz just to see how silly it could get, and one of the questions asked me to identify five “goals” for my hair. FIVE HAIR GOALS! I don’t think I have five goals for my career, much less my hair.
YOU GET MUMBO AND JUMBO FOR ONE LOW, LOW PRICE
Somehow, despite being listed as editorial staff on the mastheads of actual science journals, a copy of some kind of new-age book catalog ended up in my work mailbox. Actual mail! In the actual mailbox! These publishers printed this thing in full color, and since each book featured gets a full page with a photo and description, there are also actual humans who devoted portions of their brains to come up with 200 words or so for books with titles like Crystal Wands for Healing.
There is something for everyone in this catalog: if you’re not into the whole wand thing (so phallocentric!), there is also Crystal Healing for the Heart, which provides “stone-supported lessons for applying a heart-centered approach in daily life.” If minerals don’t do it for you but you’ve always wanted to become a SUPER-RACIST SHAMAN, try White Spirit Animals: Prophets of Change (oh I see, WHITE spirit animals, well isn’t that special). The author introduction for that one begins this way: “Combining sacred elder lore, science, and her own telepathic dreams…” Hmmmm hey now you can’t just have “science” be the meat between 2 pieces of bullshit bread in that sentence-sandwich. That won’t work at all.
My personal favorite is The Angelic Origins of the Soul: Discovering Your Divine Purpose. Look at this crazy cover! This bitch is so sparkly!
Its narrative blurb in the catalog is introduced by a series of bullet points, for the pudding-brained spiritual seeker who is also short on time:
This book:
- Reveals the connection between the soul and the orders of Angels and provides a roadmap to the realms of Heaven and Hell
(Siri: driving directions to the realm of Hell, please.)
- Explains the six stages of Soul Evolution and the Nine Orders of Angels
(I do not think you are using the word “evolution” correctly here.)
- Describes the many dimensions between the highest celestial realms and the lower Astral plane and the Genesis Matrix, our angelic place of origin
(look, I found a Genesis Matrix on Google!)
And if your taste is less spiritual and more paranoid, there is always Alien World Order: The Reptilian Plan to Divide and Conquer the Human Race (includes 16-page color insert!)
UNFAIR
I was watching a television program about the Bronx Zoo that included a segment about their large male sea lion who was going into “season” and getting super-horny. The staff had to move out all the smaller male sea lions so that he wouldn’t beat their asses because of sexual competition/fragile sea-lion masculinity. That was the point of the segment, but what got me all riled up was the story of how the sea lion came to the zoo in the first place. I guess he was living in the wild and the US Fish and Wildlife Service was considering euthanizing him, because he kept going to where endangered salmon go to spawn, and hanging out there to gobble them up as they passed. To repeat: the government considered KILLING a sea lion because he was SMART AS HELL and I get that the salmon are endangered but god damn. Why should the sea lion be penalized, have you assholes ever heard of the FOOD CHAIN. That’s some bullshit right there.
—mimi smartypants plans to divide and conquer the human race.