mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

degree of formality

THE DUMBEST THING

I broke our spoon rest and it really is a drag to have nowhere to put the goopy spoon after I stir the soup or whatever. I end up putting it on the counter and then having extra goop to wipe up after cooking. (I am obsessive about counter-wiping because the kitchen counters in my house are quite speckled, and it is all too easy to think la la la, my counters are clean and speckled, and then you run your hand across it one day and OH GOD that’s not all speckles, some of it is dried-on crud. And then you feel like a filthy hobo.)

The logical answer is to buy another spoon rest, but I don’t want to buy a spoon rest. What the fuck. The idea of putting energy and cash toward something like a spoon rest. (Even though I need one.) I just resent the whole idea. A spoon rest isn’t something you buy, it is something your grandmother gives you. Except mine are dead, so maybe I have to buy my own spoon rest. IS THIS ADULTHOOD? FLEE SCREAMING!

THE SECOND DUMBEST THING

Eazy-E has been dead for 20 years but he probably would not appreciate the fact that in my idle moments I have been constructing a parody of one of his biggest hits, called “Real Motherfuckin’ Cheese.” Any dairy companies want to throw down some cash on this? Motherfuck soy! Motherfuck Velveeta! Kraft Singles! Y’all can’t step to/some real motherfuckin’ cheese! (I know Mr. Eazy spelled his version with a p and a double k, but I just can’t. Even the apostrophe was hard for me.)

THINGS I RECENTLY LEARNED

There was a French guy who said that Native Americans had small penises, and that American pretty much sucked in general, and it made Thomas Jefferson mad, so he worked really hard to ship the French guy a dead moose.

Tom Cruise has a tooth in the center of his mouth, although that’s not the grossest thing about him.

AN IMPRACTICAL THING

Hey lady. The one tiptoeing around, previously in front of me, now well behind me, because why don’t people learn to WALK. FASTER. I don’t know what possessed you to put on gorgeous black suede 3-inch heels to go to downtown Chicago—slushy, filthy, downtown Chicago—but enjoy your frostbite and your ruined shoes.

I am not really a shoe enthusiast, so it must be the mom in me that went straight to, “You’ll ruin your shoes!” My lack of shoe mojo was pointed out to me in a painful way at work recently, when I attended a meeting with a certain lady bigshot. I could not help noticing her absurd necklace, eighteen inches of pearls and sparkly interlocking Chanel logos, and after the meeting I similarly could not help myself from going back to my desk and looking up what such a monstrosity might cost, even though I could only find an eBay link. Bloody hell.

I told my most fashion-y work friend about this encounter.

Me: Just got done with [Lady Bigshot]. She’s got logos all over. Chanel necklace, Prada bag. Give it a rest.

Fashion Friend: What about the shoes??

Me: Oh, I didn’t notice the shoes.

FF: Amateur.

SOME UPDATE-TYPE THINGS

  1. Mr. Dead Squirrel (whom I’ve taken to calling “Jesus,” pronounced in the Mexican fashion—see last entry) has been rolled into the gutter by a civic-minded someone, but he is still there. Nora says that she doesn’t really want to continue with the Dead Squirrel Report, since now he is all sad and wet and dirty and it’s kind of depressing, but we are both vaguely interested in when he will lose his filling. His creamy center, if you will. How many licks does it take, etc.
  2. Nora turns 12 tomorrow! An entire dozen! There is a hockey game on her birthday, naturally.
  3. More on the educational side of this year 12: I really hate History Fucking Fair. Make me queen and all school projects that require significant out-of-school time will instantly become illegal for anyone not yet in high school.
  4. Something that is fun: whenever you are in a very loud environment, like a rock concert, and you’re shouting in a friend’s ear but you know they can’t really hear you, try to sneak in the sentence, “I fucked a shark” at least once. I’ve been doing this for years and I am not sure why, but you should join me.

—mimi smartypants is not quite a snack and not quite a meal.