mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

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MYSTERIOUS ADVERTISING DREAM

I woke up and wrote this down. It was an ad I had seen in my dream, in the form of a poster, but no pictures, just words:

A.S.K. Shitstitch Sandwich

It’s BUMPIN’!

What does that mean? What is a shitstitch sandwich? What does “A.S.K.” stand for? What kind of tagline is “It’s BUMPIN’!” for a sandwich, shitstitch or no? I do not know. But that is exactly what dream-me saw, and so I pass it along to you. I hope you are troubled by it, so I will at least have some company.

CELERY REPLACEMENT

For the last week every time I have opened the refrigerator I have seen* our current Tetra-Pak** of chicken broth and a recipe on the side for “Easy Chicken Soup.” It’s about what you would expect and barely a “recipe”: heat up broth, add already-cooked chicken, put in some vegetables, etc. But I love the note at the bottom that says, “For an Asian twist, add 1 T soy sauce and 1 T peeled and minced fresh ginger to broth. Try replacing the celery with 1 cup shelled fresh edamame.”

My favorite bit of this, besides “twist” (oh those crafty Asians and their unique soups!), is the “try.” I like to picture Captain Kirk with an agonized expression holding some chopped celery in one hand and 1 cup shelled fresh edamame in the other. If…I…could only…replace…the celery!

*Because you can’t not read words once you’re literate, which is cool but also a little sad, because I like the shapes of letters a lot. Especially double o’s, or combinations of c, n, and u, because they are all the same shape just tipped different ways. Unclean! Nuclear! Cunt! Uncle! (There, I made you a band name or a rallying cry.)

**Tetra-Pak has a YouTube channel,  and all the individual outposts of the Tetra-Pak companies also have YouTube channels, and I need you to watch every single one of the videos and write me an essay on your experience. If you don’t come out of it calmer, wiser, and with a seriously deep appreciation for tetrahedron-shaped plastic-coated paper cartons, then the world has nothing left to offer you.

(By the way, the Google docs spellcheck is perfectly fine with “shitstitch” but has an issue with “tetrahedron.”  Make of that what you will.)

MAKE IT A BLACKOUT HOLIDAY

I have a vacation day today, although my away message says I will be “checking email occasionally.” I guess it’s true, if you count glancing at my phone when it makes an alert sound and snickering heartily at the latest pitiful publishing clusterfuck. I had one last holiday gift to buy and it happened to be an alcoholic one, so after getting Nora to school and running a few other errands I headed to Binny’s, which is an Illinois-based liquor superstore. I pulled up at around 8:50 am, and Binny’s does not open until 9. So that woman in yoga pants and a fuzzy hat hanging around the liquor store on a Wednesday morning, waiting for the doors to open? That was me. Scandalous! Only on Bravo!

THE DEADNESS CONTINUES

A dead squirrel that Nora and I stop and look at every damn day on the way to school is still there, and today marks one month since we first noticed its dead fuzzy body. Because of the cold, not much has changed, although the fur is kind of wearing away and one squirrel ankle bone is becoming exposed. It is ridiculous that no one has cleaned it up yet. Nora and I like to pretend that we are on a daily news show called CarcassWatch 2014, and deliver solemn updates on the squirrel (“Still dead! Back to you, Dan!”), but even that is getting old.

The yard of the apartment building directly in front of the dead squirrel has a big plastic nativity scene in the yard, plastic Mary and plastic Joseph kneeling and gazing at…nothing, since I guess the owners of the scene are being hardcore literalists and are not going to put in baby Jesus until Christmas itself. Nora DESPERATELY wants to add the dead squirrel to the manger instead, and even had a whole plan for timing (dead of night, Christmas Eve) and method (it involved ski masks and barbecue tongs). I agree that it would be funny, but as a parent I cannot openly condone actually pulling this prank. (Even though I WANT TO DO IT. But we can’t. But I WANT TO.)

Have great holidays, no matter what they are: Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, my birthday (12/29, everyone must celebrate! Shitstitch sandwiches for all!), and the not-usually-as-much-fun-as-advertised New Year’s Eve. Bottoms up!

—mimi smartypants: so many rocks up in her watch she can’t tell what the time is.