mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

battle of the male strippers

Well isn’t technology fucking marvelous, aren’t we just balls-deep in the future, isn’t it all so bloody awesome you could die. I am typing this from up in the air, having paid five American dollars for the privilege. I am on my way to Boston for the annual meeting of the Society for Scholarly Publishing, and if that doesn’t sound like a goddamned party to you than I don’t even know you anymore. I’ll scholarly your publishing, sweetheart. All night long.

First, though, I had to be delayed at the airport, then a fat Chinese woman had to scream at me that I took “her” empty seat at the gate waiting area (I am sorry, but that is not how it works) (to deal with this I went Full Catatonic with my face and merely blinked at her while sipping my iced coffee until she stomped off), and then we got to sit on the runway for almost an hour! They announced that lovely fact even before we boarded and a nearby fellow passenger asked me, “Did you hear why?” and I answered, “I don’t know, just so we can all have panic attacks?” Man, there is something about being in a non-moving vehicle that really sets me off. Like, I can forget that we are all crammed together in a metal box or tube with NOT REALLY ENOUGH AIR as long as we are hurtling along at speed, but when the plane just sits or the subway comes to a dead-silence powered-down stop in the tunnel I will start to freak a bit. Hello Ativan! HELLO!

WHAT ELSE

1. I have been worrying a bit about the phrase “physical plant.” It is such an odd combination of words.

2. One of the skanky clothing stores on Lawrence Ave. is having a summer sale on “SHORTS AND CAPRICES.” A sale on whimsy! Get it while you can! Or maybe a sale on sprightly lively music, who knows.

3. Over the long weekend we went for a family bike ride, Nora on the trail-a-bike attachment to LT’s ride, where she provides much pedaling power from behind, and me on my ten-thousand-pound but newly refurbished mountain bike. We biked up to the forest preserve trails and saw lots of nature, lots of picnics, lots of happy holiday-weekend dogs. Is there anything better for dogs than Memorial Day? The people are home all weekend, there are barbecues, there are Frisbees, there are little kids who have trouble holding on to their hamburgers and ice creams. We saw a deer right next to the trail, who didn’t seem to care about us and our bikes at all. (I am certain there will eventually be news reports of a fatal bike/deer collision.) We saw a bunch of people who had pulled off the trail to look in the direction that some hippie-type lady was pointing, down on the riverbank. She claimed it was an enormous snapping turtle. I looked and looked, but honestly couldn’t see it, and Nora looked and looked for even longer. When we pedaled off, Nora said, “I’m totally serious—that was just a rock.” I tend to believe her because she’s got great eyes. I hope hippie lady was trolling tons of bikers and it really was just a rock.

More later! Assuming this plane doesn’t crash.

—mimi smartypants, not seated in an exit row.