NEVER WILL I EVER
1. Go to the circus.
2. Write a sponsored post.
3. Watch or care about Doctor Who.
4. Scuba dive.*
5. Enjoy a surprise party.
6. Get breast implants.
7. Type out the dictionary definition of a word to try and win an online argument.
8. Get tired of “Stop Making Sense” (applies to both album and film) or Shostakovich quartets.
9. Take a picture of my plate in a restaurant. Nope. I’ve made a rule.
10. Smile when you tell me to, unless it’s for a photograph. Worry about your own face only, please.
*Oh man fuck the ocean. I mean don’t, because it’s nice and covers most of our planet and we need it, but we should leave it alone. I don’t really mind sailing on top of it, although I get anxious when there’s no land in sight at all. But UNDERNEATH? There is all kinds of bad mojo. And no air either, from what I’ve heard. Does that sound like the welcome mat is out for humans? No.
Today I went to acupuncture, and please don’t write and tell me that I’m wasting my time because I already said I don’t care. I am particularly pleased with the timing of this acupuncture appointment, since not long afterwards I am going out drinking with my best friend. Clear my qi with therapy and then gunk it up with beer! Fantastic.
The acupuncturist told me to come to acupuncture more often, but then again she would say that. She also told me to take ginger (okay), relax (HA HA HA HA), and to affix* weird tiny stainless-steel balls inside my ears with double-stick tape. Well actually she did that last bit herself, since according to mumbo-jumbo lore** the earballs need to go in specific places. So now I gots earballs, and it’s a good thing I worked from home today because I keep shouting “hot damn! EARBALLS! Who woulda thunk?” in a hillbilly accent. The cats don’t care but my officemates probably would.
*Don’t you love that word, “affix”? It’s also a noun, you know.
**Sorry for the sarcasm. As previously mentioned, I don’t care if it’s mumbo-jumbo! Mumbo-jumbo is all right with me! Particularly the mumbo bit. And the hyphen.