counting backwards
SMALL THINGS I DON’T LIKE
1. The fact that every PowerPoint presentation I have ever seen features seemingly random capitalization on its slides.
2. People being called “haters” for doing really innocuous internet things like DISAGREEING.
3. No rain during the week; rain on the weekends.
SMALL THINGS I DO LIKE
1. When Muslim women with really tight headscarves make their own hands-free headset by wedging cell phone between scarf and head.
2. Achy legs after weightlifting class. I complain and moan and make little oofs when I go down stairs, but it’s actually kind of a good sensation.
3. How LT gets a kick out of getting me a small gift made from the traditional “material” for our wedding anniversary. Just celebrated “crystal.” He went with earrings from Etsy instead of homemade meth.
TRUST IN YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM, YOU KARMA-RECEIVING HO-BAG
Today I sneezed right after sitting down on the train. I sneezed into my elbow in a Centers for Disease Control–approved fashion, I SWEAR. But that didn’t stop the woman who had been sitting in front of me from getting up, all huffy and stompy, and flinging herself into a different seat across the aisle. She even followed it up with a dirty look, just to be sure I knew that her performance was a direct reaction to my sneeze. Whatever, beeyatch. I hope someone drools on you later.
I sort of got my wish! Two stops later, someone else sat down behind her and sneezed! It must have been a sneezy train. I made eye contact with GermBitch and I could not stop the huge smile that spread across my face. She gave me an even pissier look than the one that was already on her face and I just went back to my book, still smiling. YES!
SOCIAL STEREOTYPING, SOMEWHAT BACKED BY STATISTICS
Nora and I were walking to the bus stop. There is a brick apartment building with a faucet/hose hookup about a foot off the ground. Someone had drawn pants around the faucet, crudely creating the sadly predictable trompe l’oeil penis.
Nora: Hey look, someone drew pants…[the intended effect dawns on her] Oh.
Me: Yeah.
Nora: I bet a boy did that.
Me: You’re probably right.
Nora: Usually it’s boys who draw on walls. Which is NOT NICE.
Me: I don’t know exactly if boys or girls draw on walls more. When I read about people getting caught for it though, it usually is boys.
Nora: Boys do a lot of the crime, actually. Especially the bad crimes like kidnap and killing.
Me [not liking the way this is going, but can’t really say she’s wrong]: Well, you can’t assume people are good or bad based on whether they are male or female. But yeah, when I read about people getting caught for those crimes it does seem like it’s mostly boys.
Nora: That fake faucet penis was stupid.
Me: Yeah.
Nora: I bet a boy did that. Because boys draw on walls, and because boys would be more interested in showing everyone a penis. Even a fake penis.
Me: Can’t argue with you there.
Nora’s sophisticated analysis of gender, crime, and phallic aggression! Sometimes I think she and I should start our own public-access cable talk show.
OR MAYBE A SPORT-FISHING SHOW
Catfish! Caught from, and released to, the Chicago River, behind the Starbucks that is near my home! I stayed home like a normal person, Nora and LT landed this beast together.
And what a landing it was, apparently. I have heard the thrilling tale of its capture about a million times now. It is all very Old Man and The Sea at my house. After the photo session, they got the hook out of its mouth and Nora tossed him back into the river, apparently with a “resounding splash!” That is a quote. I think I pulled something trying not to laugh.
Fishing was a big hit before Mr. Catfish, but it’s even a bigger hit now. Nora has been toting around her Illinois fish guide (with waterproof pages!) and regaling me with all sorts of boring facts about fish. Fish are slightly less boring than rocks, so I guess I should be grateful for the switch in must-have pocket guides.
—mimi smartypants has a magnet in her head.