getting good marks
BEAUTY MYTH
1. Someone needs to solve the mystery of why I sometimes get itchy redness on only one side of my face. It seems like hives or an allergy but how can that be? I use the same products all over my face, and when I go places I tend to bring my whole face, so why just that one side? I suppose I should go to a dermatologist but I feel so silly, since they went to school for skin disasters like cancer and psoriasis and here I am with a little intermittent itching.
2. In what might seem a departure from what you think you know about me, I get my hair cut at Vidal Sassoon at Water Tower Place. It is too much money but a great haircut, which for me mostly means that it looks fine until I feel the need to go get it cut again—no weird bits that grow out sideways or anything like that. However, I die a little each time I go there. I mean LITERALLY, because the haircut is SO GODDAMN SLOW that I can feel the aging process happening. Apoptosis in the haircut chair! First a tattooed hipster washes my hair about eighteen times. Then the stylist cuts and cuts and cuts and cuts and cuts. Sometimes one hair at a time, and no I am not indulging in hyperbole. Then she blow-dries my hair so thoroughly that there is not a speck of moisture left in my head. Then (wait for it)—she cuts my hair some more! I like the result, but I get so crazy sitting there. I guess I can never become a Real Housewife, getting beauty treatments all day.
I HATE YOU, POLYGAMIST CLOWN
Nora and I have a little war going on with a rubber clown. I have an aversion to clowns* and she finds that amusing, so she likes to hide this little clown figure in my purse or near my side of the bed. The clown’s name is Giggles and Nora writes me notes, ostensibly from Giggles, that declare his love and devotion. Okay that was a tedious back-story, I don’t even feel like sharing anymore. BUT I SHALL PRESS ON.
Nora [reading a note from Giggles]: “Dear Beautiful Lady, I love you! I am a clown and I want to marry you!”
Me: Here’s what I would write back: “Dear Giggles, I hate you and I will never marry you. Also, I am already married.”
Nora: Giggles says, “You can marry me anyway! You can marry two people!”
Me [being serious for a moment]: You know, actually you can’t. Not two people at the same time, anyway.
Nora [still in Giggles voice]: Yes you can, with CLOWN RULES!
Clown rules! What other social contracts do clowns disregard? A fruitful area for sociological study.
*Clowns are in the category of “Things I Don’t Just Not Like, But That Also Make Me Sad And Angry.” It is a complicated feeling and the Germans should probably invent a word for it already. Other things in that category include the caveman as pop-culture character, Scooby-Doo (even just seeing the character on a cookie package upsets me), BBQ-flavor potato chips, and toilets in a color other than white.
DIRECTOR’S CUT
Here is what happened when Nora took my Flip camera into her room for a while. Her first feature film!
I like how giraffe was the only one who tried to sell himself. He heard there might be layoffs, so he took the opportunity to mention his worth on camera.
WHERE IN THE WORLD
Updates might be sparse here because the Smartypants family is headed to NYC pretty soon. Why? Because Nora has a bit of a Statue of Liberty obsession and we are indulgent parents. And one of us (LT) is good at finding deals on hotels. It will be a bit of a whirlwind trip, and with a six-year-old around there will not be much nightlife, but if you’re a Manhattan-er and we have corresponded before, let me know. We have one whole day earmarked for Dead Things Museum + Central Park, so maybe there could be a quick, awkward, outdoor meet-and-greet.
WHY IN THE WORLD
Hey, I’ve been keeping my diary online for 10 years today. If nothing else, I think this proves I have a very high tolerance for routine.
—mimi smartypants does what her brain tells her.