mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

rev it up

My eyebrow-waxing lady, who sometimes talks to me about professional wrestling or the Lord of the Rings movies (and who once went on a Lord of the Rings movie-location package tour) has a new type of crazy thing to talk to me about—her alkaline diet. I am fascinated at the wrongness involved. She went on and on about her acidic blood, even though anyone with truly acidic blood would not be alive, much less applying wax to my eyebrows. She is a great waxer and I will continue seeing her, despite the terrible old-lady-style peach-colored salon she works at and the high prices she charges, just because of things like this. I like being reminded that not everyone is like me.

Another thing I like: when babies stick their feet up over the edge of a stroller or carriage. Bonus points for naked feet.

I just printed out the first-grade school supply list, even though I don’t plan to do anything about it for some weeks as I cannot bear to think about summer ending, and apparently there is a color-coded system for subjects and folders. Math is blue, “literature” is red (didn’t they once call it “reading”?), French is orange (honh honh), social studies is yellow, science is green, English is purple, health is white, and homework is “any other color.” Uh, what other color? You pretty much got Roy G. Biv in there. Black, I guess?

TEN OF MY PREJUDICES (ALL OF WHICH ARE HIGHLY DEBATABLE)

1. People who try to get out of jury duty just because it sucks are kind of jerky.

2. Wall-to-wall carpet is absolutely disgusting and I would never have it in my home.

3. You really shouldn’t chew gum. In a car, on a plane, at your desk after lunch to freshen up—okay. But not when you’re actually out and about and speaking to people.

4. I think less of people who are always late.

5. Watching TV is superior to playing video games because of the slight possibility you will actually learn something. Both are inferior to reading a book.

6. I do not understand people who live somewhere with a decent library system and yet don’t use the library. Hello, it’s FREE.

7. Blush is a weird and unnecessary makeup product.

8. If I see an African-American girl with “natural” hair and African-American parents, I think Oh how cute and yay how liberated. The same child with white parents, I think Oh dear, they don’t know how to do her hair. Unfair but a hard habit to break. More here.

9. Ordering food from a drive-through and eating in your car is tacky and weird. It’s fast food. You seriously don’t have time for it? I suppose I’ll make exceptions for people with ridiculous commutes, but still.

10. City over suburbs, in almost every case.

WHAT A DEAL

A few nights ago I went to a bar to hear some music. The bar was very weird and had a lot of threatening signage around about how you shouldn’t smoke, make noise when you leave, or exhibit “inappropriate behavior.” It also featured a series of computer-printed signs advertising each weeknight’s “Big Deal,” or which beers and shots were on special—although no prices were listed so it was somewhat difficult to judge the value of the “deal.” My favorite was the sign that said MILLER GENUINE DRAFT + WATERMELON.

It was probably meant to denote some terrible watermelon-flavored liquor, but I like the idea of a free watermelon with every beer purchased. By the end of the night you could have quite a stack of fruit! You could not possibly treat your table to a round unless you brought a wheelbarrow up to the bar! After closing, taxi after taxi would pass by you and your many watermelons because fuck no I am not helping that drunk idiot load all those watermelons into my cab. (Try sounding like Apu Nahasapeemapetilon when you read that.
Fuck no I am not helping that drunk idiot load all those watermelons into my cab.)

—mimi smartypants free with every purchase.