don't mess around mess around
My friend has a urinary tract infection. And of course we are talking about it.
Me: Although I do pee blood, the UTIs just don't happen to me. I think I remember having one when I was like five.
Bacterially Infected Friend: I get them all the time! I wipe correctly, I pee after sex, I just don't get it!
Me: Well, obviously your vagina is a filthy sewer.
BIF: Waaaah! It's true.
Me: And mine is clean and sparkly and…[here I break off strangely.]
BIF: What were you going to say?
Me: Forget it.
BIF: No, what?
Me: I actually was going to say my vagina was “magically delicious” but decided not to.
BIF: Yeah, that would have been too much.
Me: And such a short step from there to the thought of getting head from the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
BIF: You fucking bitch, now I have to think about that all day.
Me: I know. I hate me.
LINK TIME
Not anorexia, oh no! Heavens no! I really hate the idea that this disordered horseshit could someday be acceptable and spun as a “healthy lifestyle.”
Very useful reviews of cheap wine. Mmmm, cheap wine.
Fantastic/horrifying write-up of eating very fresh food.
DANGEROUS TERRITORY
Over Thanksgiving I had a bad cold, which I am self-conscious about even mentioning because apparently I blab all the time about the peeing blood and the weird sinus things and my years-ago hand surgery, etc, but to all the people who make fun of my old-lady illness-related posts I just have to say What Ever. Because my diary is about eight years old at this point, and I get sick sometimes. I also kind of hate being in my body (not specifically in MY body, but in general being embodied is a pain), so when stuff is not working right I find it grimly fascinating.
This particular cold was driving me crazy with its sinus pressure and the increasingly-odd-colored snot that was coming out of my nose, so I caved to the hippies in my life and bought a neti pot. This bothers me because agreeing to “cleanse” one's sinus cavities is only a hemp-fiber's breadth away from thinking one needs to “cleanse” other, more disgusting, cavities and that is just gross and insane. I felt I was on a slippery slope with the neti pot, but all that snot was clogging my brain and I was desperate not to end up with another antibiotic-requiring sinus infection. So, that afternoon found me leaning over the bathtub and pouring salt water in one of my nostrils in the hope it would all come out of the other one. It did, quite easily—I had no issues with near-drowning or water inhalation so apparently I have excellent throat-muscle control and am able to breathe comfortably in weird situations. And I just read that sentence over and it sounds like I am bragging about blowjob prowess but I am not, and I would have preferred not to have gone there in THIS sentence but it is No-Delete Thursday so it will just have to stand. (Did you know that I played weird diary-games with myself such as “No-Delete Thursday”? I do.)
Anyway, it worked, I felt better, and now I am a crazy freak who spent good money on a small container specifically designed for jamming up my nostrils. I'm a little teapot, short and sick! Tip me over and drain the ick!
This short, stupid post is officially now all about oral sex and microbial infections, which makes me thoroughly disgusted with myself so I will now make a quick exit. Goddamn it. Goddamn it all to hell. I hate you Milkman Dan No-Delete Thursday.
—mimi smartypants needs to dig a hole and lie down in it.