mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

Archive for November 2005

embroidered Ukrainian shirt

YAWN WITH A SIDE OF BLAH 1. I keep getting the Sesame Street version of “Shiny Happy People” stuck in my head, where Michael Stipe and some of the other guys (minus the aneurysm drummer) bounce around and sing about “furry happy monsters feeling glad,” which then suddenly changes to “furry sobbing monsters feeling sad,” […]

fruit and crockery rest on polished sideboards

ONE STEP CLOSER TO MY CRAZY-LADY MERIT BADGE I am not as much of a drinker as I used to be. Some of you, particularly the ones who like to write and tell me what a bad mother* I am because of my alcohol consumption, are going to have a hard time believing that, given […]

el seed vs. sewer urchin

TUESDSAY HAS NOTHING TO RECOMMEND IT Dear CTA Masturbators: I told you once. Do I look like I'm fucking kidding? The other day one of your disgusting, reprehensible ilk came sauntering over with his hands in his pockets and sat next to me. With hands still in pockets. This is a serious red flag, and […]

monkey wrench for the monkey's wench

I am still coughing, and I am so tired of it. I have passed through the take-care-of-yourself phase, with herbal tea and early bedtimes; the amusement/fascination phase, with a sense of scientific intrigue at the strange secretions my body produces, and the fact that I can feel relatively okay and yet still cough like a […]

any way you want it, that's the way you need it, any way you want it.

THE BUTTERFLY, SHE IS SOCIAL Nora was invited to two birthday parties this coming weekend. One is for a friend's kid, and although it means driving way the hell out to Beverly,* also means sipping a beer on their back deck while watching a bunch of adorable children all hopped up on cake and crashing […]

with a pig there's always time

Ever have one of those days when everyone is sexy? Chicago forgot to put the cap back on the sexy this morning. Sexy soft-butch girls with glasses and nose piercings, sexy guys with business suits and that just-shaved look. Sexy everybody. Please! Stop with the sexy! Not-sexy antidote: the inept drag queen sitting near me […]

flava flav did my laundry

Nose-eating seal! Cheap legs! And…hunting knives. Hotel review. Now the whole damn family is sick, just when Nora is getting better, and while I knew that this was inevitable because of the way that children spread joy and cheer and GERMS AND PESTILENCE with their delightful smiles and GRUBBY, SNOT-SMEARED FINGERS, it is still bumming […]