faster, bay leaf! dill! dill!
All goofy and googly today. A full day of interviewing job candidates makes me strange. I alternate the buttoned-up businesslike (oh it is all fake. so fake. fake like the Tooth Fairy, fake like Laffy Taffy banana flavor, fake like the trashiest most synthetic falling-out weave on the head of the most tottery of high-heel hookers) with the exuberant bursts of confidence and silliness that come from successfully surviving another one of these interview things. I feel sexy and extravagant and dangerous all at the same time, like a little red dress on fire. What this means in practical terms is that after each interview I come dancing out of my office, or I spin around in the task chair, or I go make more illicit use of the office copier for my twisted collages and art-project fake flyers, including one that says LOST: ONE PAPER CLIP, complete with a xerox of a paper clip, which I plan to put up all over town. REWARD.
On University of Chicago campus there are often flyers that advertise different medical experiments, often with some small amount of money given to the volunteers. When we lived down there LT and I made a fake one that advertised a STUDY ON THE EFFECTS OF EXTREME COLD ON THE HUMAN SCROTUM, which paid $50 on enrollment and $10 for each degree below zero. For that one we actually gave the number of the Urology Department at the medical school, and although I doubt any potential volunteers called, I liked the idea of men reading it and kind of mentally (?) shriveling up at the very thought.
I heard on the radio that people are playing baseball already. Is there any season to baseball anymore? Just give up and make it a year-round thing, you know you want to. And then make me suffer with my teeny-tiny six-month-long football season (and much, much less if you are a Bears fan). So unfair.
MY ONLY SNAPPY COMEBACK OF THE DAY
Scene: I am at the fancy sandwich place. The fancy sandwich place has many combination sandwiches, and you order by fancy sandwich number (for instance, the roasted vegetable one I like is the #62, which is kind of mysterious as there do not seem to be anywhere near 62 combinations). The fancy sandwich counter is open to customer visibility, so I am watching the sandwich girl load up the roasted vegetables and she starts to put the fresh tomatoes on there too, and don't ask me why FRESH tomatoes are even included in a ROASTED vegetable sandwich, but I would rather not have them included because I have Tomato Issues. It's a texture thing. “Can you leave off the tomatoes?” I asked politely. Her plastic-glove hand hovered over the tomato container and she said, “Uh, we don't allow substitutions.”
“No, of course not, that would be anarchy,” I replied. “Carry on.”
I was thinking about lousy restaurant names, in the manner of Frittatapocalypse, and I remembered something that I don't think I ever wrote about here: the last time I was in Washington DC one of the restaurants in my hotel was called Twigs. Twigs is a terrible name for a restaurant. One can't help thinking of bran muffins. Grape-Nuts. Those giant Shredded Wheat biscuits, with no milk. If you are going to have a terrible one-word restaurant name, make it a forceful, imperative word, both noun and verb, like these examples from Chicago:*
And avoid one-word restaurant names such as these, which I totally made up:
And completely avoid cutesy rhyming restaurant names. No Hummus Among Us, no Valid Salad, no Thus Spake the Pancake. (These are also made-up, although I would totally eat at that last one, especially if it were a Homeric pancake restaurant.)
*Oh! You all know that travel game where you put the word “anal” in front of every make of car you see, right? It works great with SUVs: Anal Navigators, Anal Explorers, Anal Troopers, Anal Expedition. (And my absolute favorite, the Anal Fiesta. Arriba arriba! Where did I put my margarita-flavored lube?) It also works pretty well with the Wicker Park restaurants, eg, Anal Feast, Anal Toast, and (ow!) Anal Twist. Let me know if you have any good ones in your town.
This page has a bunch of good links about the Mechanism of Antikythera. It was an ancient Greek instrument, used to mechanically calculate the position of the sun and moon, and it was rather accurate.
—mimi smartypants has a card in her spokes, practicing her jokes.