mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?

Archive for March 2002

standard deviant

On 30 March 2002

How To Come to a Party at My House1. Wear whatever you like. Hats, tuxedos, and false beards are all encouraged, separately or together.2. You really don't have to bring anything. I know it is polite to ask, and I appreciate that politeness, but when I throw a party I am kind of a crazy […]

angus podgorney, you are a stupid man

On 29 March 2002

Sun-Times Weather Word Report: Today is NIFTY. I think that is a pretty hilarious weather word to choose for Good Friday. Crucifixion is nifty.My cleaning lady (hold your criticism right there because we've already been over this), who is a very driven and determined person, sometimes decides to go beyond cleaning into the world of […]

p-p-p-p-put it on vibrate!

On 28 March 2002

My mouth is getting progressively younger. Or something. Because all I want to eat lately is oatmeal with brown sugar (I like it thick and sticky, oh yeah baby), macaroni and cheese, and bananas (the most infantile of fruits). And I'm in a brief musical rut as well: I only want to listen to the […]

burial at sea requires no embalming

On 28 March 2002

MY LIFE IS AN OPEN COMIC BOOK[snip] You know how sometimes you don't know whether to laugh or cry? [snap] Note to self: (1) Quit my job. (2) Find a coach. (3) Obtain sponsorship (Kraft?). (4) Become a world-class cheeseracer. (Note to self number two: Stop making notes to self in open forum.)[blip] This is […]

the reality of the situation

On 27 March 2002

Me too, baby, me too. I'll ask, but I just don't know. From a medical article I edited, honest: “All subjects reported having seen a videotape of hardcore pornography at least once in their lives.” Oh ho! Sort of related: we must doubt the validity of the plethysmograph!My friend Elizabeth, in an e-mail, has introduced […]

zero is my hero

On 26 March 2002

SECTION A: I FEEL ALL FUNNY INSIDEWhoa. Freak the freak out. Yesterday the English-language Chicago Sun-Times surprised us with a Spanish weather word. Today they eschew language altogether and put this in the front-page weather spot:#@*&%!!Like I said, whoa.SECTION B: BLAH BLAH YADDA YADDA WORDSI don't want to misrepresent myself as a structuralist, but here's […]

poverty and darkness

On 25 March 2002

The Sun-Times Weather Word goes bilingual! Walking by the paper box by the bus stop, I notice the upper-left corner of the front page: CONGELADO (“frozen,” in Spanish).My professional association is disseminating false information about me. Well, not really, but in this month's newsletter there is a small write-up of my professional life (and wow, […]

je me lance vers la gloire

On 23 March 2002

TODAY I AM MULTIMEDIA AND CURIOUSLY IMAGE-INTENSIVEManhattan.I only like online personality tests if they are about industrial solvents or feminine hygiene products. SOYsolv®:You are made from soybean oil, and are used in a wide range of applications, including asphalt release, mastic removal, and hydrocarbon cleaning. You are biodegradable, and your flash point is >300°F, Pensky-Martens […]

cock a doodle oh fuck no

On 23 March 2002

I AM ODDLY PREDICTABLE AND PREDICTABLY ODD. There is a very large squid in the world. A very strange squid. A squid so big and so strange that it freaks out even the most hardened squid scientists. A squid so big, in fact, that it baffles. You have no idea how excited and tingly the […]

it will only hurt for a second

On 22 March 2002

What gruff contralto, her hour come round at last, slouches toward the teakettle to be reborn? (Answer: Me!)Get ready, it's your dream come true…HOW TO EAT M&Ms LIKE MIMI SMARTYPANTSGet the small bag. Anything larger than the standard vending-machine size is too overwhelming. It goes without saying (but apparently it doesn't) that you can't eat […]